Saint Ealhswith, my 33rd great grandmother, July 20, 2022

 

Saint Ealhswith

aka Ethelwitha, Etheldwitha,

Ethelwida

 b. abt 850 - d. 5 December 905

Wife of Saint Alfred the Great

Patron saint of (Unknown)

Information about Saint Ealhswith, the wife of Saint Alfred the Great, is very little. Although he was a somewhat noisy saint, winning a major battle against the Vikings and that sort of thing, his wife's role in history is quiet. I get a subdued feeling when reading about her. She was probably fascinating. Still waters run deep and all that. We know that she was a noble lady, a daughter of Aethelred, Ealdorman of the Gaini (a race of people), and Eadburgh, a noble lady of Mercia.

Mercia was the ancient name for the approximate area of modern day England, and most of my ancestry hails way back to the very ancient beginnings of that land and of Wales and Cornwall.

Map of Mercia from Wikipedia

Read about Mercia on Wikipedia

Though my great grand was married to the king, she was not called a queen. Evidently this was due to some superstition in Mercia at the time that started when a woman who did have the title of queen accidently killed her husband, the king, when she intended to kill someone else. So my great grandmother did not get the title of queen and was not addressed as such during her day. History has put a damper on her tale, as if a big thick blanket had just been thrown over her.  A hidden life - but in plain view.

A hidden life, in plain view is very much how it feels to be a city hermit in Albuquerque, come to think of it. The days are rushing by now. The older I get the quicker they go. I have lists of things I mean to do on every day, but the speed of time conspires against me. No matter. I can't get fired.

My 33rd great grandmother established a convent called Nunnaminster, and retired there sometime after the death of her husband. It seems to me that it is natural for people to dedicate the last years of their life to meditation on the Lord. In the Hindu convent, I read about how some Hindu elderly people would retire to the forest to live the "sannyas" monastic life. They would put on the orange colored robe and from that point on, live as brother and sister, a euphemism for living celibately together.

Nunnaminster is buried below the gardens of

Abbey House, at the resident of the Mayor

of Winchester

read about it HERE - at Early British Kingdoms

Celibacy is a crucial, primary feature of monastic life, though I don't see many non-institutional people discussing it these days. It isn't a popular topic among Americans. There are some folks on the internet claiming to be independent monastics of some sort, calling it by various terms, including monikers such as "anchoress" or "hermit" -  while at the same time living with spouse and children and conducting an active sex life. Monastic life is a solitary life that is sometimes lived together among others who are ALSO living a celibate/chaste life, which is known as a "cenobitic" arrangement. Sex activity is not part of the deal!

Most hermits I've read about do not spend their entire lives in that state. It seems to be a type of life to which some religious folk resort for a time certain, and then they return to a more active life or, as in the case of the Hindu Sannyassinis, it is a lifetime occupation. Even so, followers would often gather around the people - something I discourage, especially since I am not attached to any institution that would support it.

It is clear to me that The Lord definitely intends for me to live this life for the duration because my circumstances keep trending in that direction very strongly. For instance, the constant aggravation with the caregiver situation. Although I was approved for a caregiver at least 2 years ago, I have yet to find one. There is a terrible dearth of "caregivers" in general, and ALL the agencies are scrambling to try to serve their clients.  I have had some terrible experiences with agencies. The people either do not show up at all, or show up whenever they feel like it, or show up drunk or stoned, or show up and tell me they are disabled and can't do any real work, or show up and steal from me - or some combination of the above.

 

Saint Ealhswith's statue at Winchester

Today, the 3rd day of a new caregiver, she was late for the third day - in other words, late EVERY day - but today she is refusing to give me the simple courtesy of a phone call to tell me that she will be late. 

Not only is she refusing to give me a simple phone call to advise me she will be late, but the schedule we agreed upon has VANISHED somehow, in lieu of which, she expects to wander in here at some point after dusk - whenever her other activities allow, which definitely does not work for me.

The work that she DID manage to do was sloppy, not to requirements, not in accord with what I asked, and in some cases she ruined some things which had to be thrown out. I am having to re-wash all the dishes, including the blender, which I showed her how to clean. When I brushed my teeth this morning with my battery-operated toothbrush, the unmistakable flavor, scent and pucker of Ajax chlorine bleach powder hit my nose and my taste buds.  It was horrifying. The taste of some kind of filth also lingered, and I became convinced she had either dropped my toothbrush onto the floor or had used it to clean the grout in the sink (something she denies.) I rinsed and rinsed and rinsed and rinsed, then I gargled with hydrogen peroxide. And repeated.  I had a headache the entire day.

Every time a new "caregiver" is slated to start, I prefer to think well of them. I try to find whatever seems good about the person. It makes me happy to do this, but, conversely, when it does not work out, it may be that my initial assumptions work against me and make me feel more disappointed. I always start with high hopes. There is something odd happening with certain types of service jobs. There is a name for this tendency to abandon service jobs in favor of others that allow you to work at home or that may pay more. Covid started it, but I believe our nation's steep disparity of income that has increased in severity since the 1970's is to blame.

DISPARITY OF U.S. INCOME

1970 through 2005

Data from the Dept. of Labor

The first question that goes running through my mind is; Why do these people have such a crappy work ethic?

But the second thought is the understanding that this is just another way of the Lord enforcing my hermit state but unlike a hermit with institutional support, I am just as alone over here as the Desert Mothers - and perhaps MORE so. I am not without friends. Don't get me wrong. I have some lovely friends, but they have husbands and families and live on the other side of town.

After two years of disruptive irresponsible "caregivers" coming to my apartment and wasting my time training and instructing them, only to find myself shat upon in one fashion or another, I am resolved to TAKE THE HINT and give up on the idea of a caregiver. (Face it - the caregivers have given up on ME, really. It is silly to pretend that I can CHOOSE to give them up, since I can't seem to keep one here.)

Because I am physically disabled and cannot keep up with dishes and cooking, and because this is the main source of the mess in the apartment, aside from the paperwork that has gotten away from me, I need to figure out a completely different method of getting myself fed. I may need to eat at a restaurant every day.  I really don't know. How could I AFFORD that? It seems unreasonable.

If I lived near a health food restaurant or store where I could pop in and have something to eat quickly every day, that would be ideal - if I could figure out how to afford it.

Even CANNED food has to be heated up in some utensil, and then bowls and spoons involved, etc. Likewise a salad involves washing and cutting, and then cleaning of bowls, plates, flatware.

Frozen meals used to be affordable, but they're not, really, especially since the electricity keeps getting shut off over here, endangering the safety of eating food that has been partially defrosted and then re-frozen again.

I thought about making smoothies, but those also involve washing and cutting of the fruits, assembling the blender, making it, then taking apart the blender and washing it and the glass that I use to drink from. All of these activities require a certain amount of standing for prep work and dish washing that I just can't do. 

This topic stimulates some lovely memories I have of when I was a nun in a Vedanta (Hindu) convent in California and I often volunteered to do the cooking part of the work schedule that the younger nuns had to do. Cooking is a marvelous way to demonstrate to others a certain care for them and is an aspect of loving service that we all NEED. Feeding someone literally keeps them alive. It is hard, now, to be so physically compromised that I cannot even cook for myself, much less in service to others, but it is important for me to learn to surrender to the reality of the situation. I do my best to be a light burden on others, at the very least.

Now, if I was Saint Ealhswith, I would never have to worry about how to feed myself because others would be doing it for me. She was a queen, a station of life that relies on a model in which one person gets served by dozens of people, which is rather more the opposite of monastic life. It is fascinating to me that I am descended from so many kings and queens because that life is certainly different than the one I have led!

Saint Alfred the Great

READ ABOUT ST. ALFRED HERE

I am going to bring this to the Lord and ask HIM to fix it up for me. After all, HE is the one who has made me THE ACCIDENTAL HERMIT. It is up HIM to fix it. Isn't it?

Or shall I just retire the kitchen cooking supplies, give up all food prep and struggle on? I don't know.  Saint Ealhswith, my grandmother, please inspire me today and intercede for me at the foot of God's holy throne.

May we all be blessed!

Mother Silver Rose

Sannyasini Kaliprana

P.S. All of the blog posts I write are independently researched and written by me and all of them are protected by legal copyright, so please just enjoy them here and leave them here where you found them and do not copy any of it to any other place for any purpose.

(c) Copyright 2022, Silver S. Parnell

All rights reserved.

SAINT ARNULF OF METZ, My 38th Great Grandfather, July 18

 

Saint Arnulf of Metz

during his hermitage

The only way for me to get a blog written today is to just let it roll and ask for your understanding. I don't have the time or the health to cut it down to size! So - "stream of consciousness" is the mode of the day.

Today another ancestor is celebrated as a Saint. Some people scoff at the idea that one can know that information or rely upon it, but they do not realize how many people are alive today that are descended from some wildly interesting folks in the past. 37 generations have passed since Saint Arnulf walked the earth, and that represents, most likely, quite a few living descendants. Each saint who HAD children has their own peculiar family line, of course, and it is true that some have only a small handful of descendants living today, due to a break in the lineage in which few children lived to produce offspring, but I don't have that information ready to hand. I always enjoy doing the genealogy of friends I meet along life's path because every once in a while we discover that we are cousins, with a saint in our history.

Arnulf is the third great grandfather to Charlemagne, another ancestor of mine. There is such a wide range of historical events on which my ancestors impinged that I admit to being unable to remember it all, though I am trying to be more thorough about that. What is important to me, however, is not the political or cultural events on which they had some influence, but the spiritual lessons and guidance I may gain. I suppose that's obvious.

In Catholicism, if someone is designated as an official saint, it typically means (among other things) that one can be sure that the person is residing in heaven and not purgatory or hell. I believe they have to have been held responsible for a certain number of miracles as proof of their heavenly abode!

Saint Arnulf's miracles seem a bit thin to me, but how much can we know, really, about miracles in the 6th century? One of them involved a small amount of beer that turned into a large amount of beer miraculously, enough to quench the thirst of everyone present, in a beery version of Jesus turning the water into wine. Therefore, St. Arnulf is the patron saint of brewers! Next time you have a beer, drink one in honor of Saint Arnulf! Personally, I have never been much of a drinker, and my medications react badly with alcohol anyway, so I won't be hoisting one for my 38th great grandfather, but I'm pretty sure he won't mind the slight.

I LOVE the idea that we can talk to these ancestor saints just as we would a beloved grandfather who is sitting in his favorite chair in our parlor. I never had a grandfather in this life. Where some people have pictures of their parents and grandparents, I have icons of the saints I'm descended from. I haven't collected all of them, but one day I will start a prayer corner that has pictures of all them hanging on the wall. It should probably be a collection of miniatures, because there is more than two dozen of them.

Personally, I rely upon my sainted ancestors quite a great deal because my more immediate family, which admittedly was quite small, gave up religion several generations ago and I was not close to any of them. They were cruel to me. I think there may be a correlation.

Some people use religion to cover themselves in respectability, using the semblance of faith as a tool to pop open other people's wallets. I feel sad for them, to be honest, because they've sold their souls at such a pitiful price. Houses, cars and the manipulations that money allows haven't brought them half the joy they thought it would. But perhaps joy is not the word. Relief from fear is probably more accurate. 

More hellish then spending your golden years in poverty, to my mind, is facing that yawning abyss at the end of each of our lives when we will have to meet our maker. The clock ticks away, and every day each of us is one step closer to the final curtain on our earthly drama, and all the money in the world can't save you. Sneer at the cliché as much as you like, but you are just inches from breathing your last, and then what?

These are the thoughts of the saints, I believe. Look at the ordinary lives of someone such as Saint Arnulf of Metz. He pursued the expected goals of the day, participating in wars and schemes. But his wife (my sainted 38th great grandmother Doda) inspired him - or perhaps she scared him by enumerating his sins, which wives often know better than even the man himself. She took the veil while still married to him and not long afterward, he gave up his privileged life and retired to a hermitage to live out his last years.

Even such people as these can be used by God to reflect his glory or accomplish his aims because, being all good, he can (and often does) bring the greatest good out of the greatest evil. In this way, he frustrates (and infuriates) Satan, who thinks he is winning the war against God when he can lead a person to pervert their own character and do his work for him. This is the spiritual reality behind that old saying about every cloud having a silver lining. Good always wins in the end, though it is sometimes hard to recognize it when one is too much involved. Sometimes you've got to be detached and step away from that cloud before you can see the silver lining.

When we read about a saint, such as my great grandfather Arnulf, they seem, at first to be ordinary for their day and station in life. When we see them develop into saints, it is sometimes hard to fathom. How does one "become" such a saint? But the saintliness has been there all the time - buried deep within, and the only change is the removal of dirt from the glass that covers the lamp of the soul. Spiritual practices removes the dirt, and then you can see the light.

Arnulf was a multifaceted person. Like many of my ancestors, he belonged to the nobility. He served at the Merovingian court and got his training under Theudebert II, another relation of mine, with scantier attachment. (He is a cousin or great uncle of some sort. I would call him a "shirt tail" relation.) Arnulf was initially made a "dux" which is the precursor of the word "Duke," I believe. Anyway, it is the same sort of thing. He ruled somewhere along the Scheld River in Northern France, Belgium, and the Netherlands.

At some point, he was offered "the See of Metz," near the junction of France, Germany and Luxembourg, and he thus became bishop.  But before this, his wife "took the veil!" I'd like to have been a fly on the wall for THAT conversation! Of course, in those days, especially with the nobility, marriage was a business arrangement between two families. "Love matches," something we take for granted, were rare. His wife, Dode or Doda was ALSO sainted, and historians do posit that it may have been her holy influence that turned him more toward God.

But, before holy orders, Arnulf joined Pepin of Landen (my 39th great grandfather, who was also a BLESSED) in a war against Brunhilda, who ruled Austrasia and Burgundy on behalf of her grandchildren. Brunhilda was married to my 40th great granduncle Sigebert. She was quite something, a very strong lady who wielded a lot of power, but I don't think she was a particularly religious person. Brunhilda was tortured and killed, and I believe Arnulf felt some guilt over this and other sins.

Toward the end of his life, Arnulf retired to become a religious hermit - so here we are, come full circle. Another hermit in the family!

I got very little done today. The older I get, the slower I go. The routine gets harder and harder by the day. I don't mind - not really. As time goes on, and I become more and more accustomed to the reality of growing older whilst being physically disabled, I feel myself surrendering to it. I had better surrender because, when I don't, I get SO frustrated, I just want to throw things. It's no fun feeling like that. The good thing about all my limitations is that I don't have the stamina to do much sinning. I can be grateful for that! 

Tomorrow I have been promised a caregiver to come and help me in the house. I pray that it works out because I've been without help for the last couple years that I have needed it, and it has been very hard on me to live surrounded by the mess. I was always a meticulous housekeeper. and now I can't do it.

I don't pray for release from my physical ills, but I do pray for the grace to endure it. We all grow old, if we are lucky not to die young. In the meantime, I offer it all up as an ascetic practice.

I just wish I was a better writer or artist. I would be able to better support myself in my old age. I am learning how to make wire wrapped jewelry, but so far it does not look like I have a remarkable talent there EITHER. It is very frustrating. Then I remind myself that it is not important in the general scheme of things. End of days.

This one has a little St. Benedict

medal hanging from the bottom, 

which can be blessed by your

parish priest, if you choose.

My car is missing TWO windows now! It is very inconvenient when the temperature is in the high nineties. I have a GOFUNDME campaign, but I don't know that many people to whom I can advertise it, and my story isn't pathetic enough, I suppose. It sounds like a "first world problem," but people don't realize that I am STRANDED without a car, and I will faint if I have to be out in 90 degree heat. The caregiver may be able to help me with some of this until the car is fixed. The weird thing is that I worry that the bugs in the garage will move into the car before I have a chance to get the windows fixed. We have SO many big bugs here!

My little "bug," Mr. Charlemagne, has been sucking on his teeth and his little body is beginning to feel a bit warm - which means, of course, he needs to have his teeth worked on and he probably has an infection in one, an abscess or something. So I have to take the little guy to the vet, which I cannot afford - at all.  There are many reasons to have a service dog in my life. It was recommended by the police because I was getting constant attempted break-ins, and living without ANY form of affection for another creature is not healthy, but it isn't fair to a little animal to let them suffer with pain and illness because I have "adopted" something I don't have the money to care for properly. So this little guy is my last dog because instead of the relief one is supposed to experience from the affection of an animal (especially a guard animal) it represents to me a tremendous amounts of stress.

The emergencies all pile one on top of the other when living on a fixed income. I'm not the only one experiencing it. All these ladies that live in this apartment complex endure some version of it, especially those who do not have family. I'm just the only person TALKING about it.

Charlemagne, named after

another relative of mine

I am trying hard to be as surrendered as possible, to accept all the pain, inconvenience and limitations with grace. What I find very interesting is that the more difficult circumstances become, the closer the Lord comes to me. It is remarkable. I had not expected it, but this is the way it works.

Please pray for me, as I pray for you.

May we all be blessed!

Mother Silver Rose

Sannyasini Kaliprana

P.S. All of the blog posts I write are independently researched and written by me and all of them are protected by legal copyright, so please just enjoy them here and leave them here where you found them and do not copy any of it to any other place for any purpose.

(c) Copyright 2022, Silver S. Parnell

All rights reserved.

Our Lady of Mount Carmel - July 16, 2022

 

Our Lady of Mount Carmel

Feast Day - July 16th

I became aware of our Lady of Mount Carmel when I was 11 and had discovered the Carmel Mission in Carmel by the Sea, where I rode my Schwinn bicycle from our house in Carmel Valley. I've told various chapters of the story on this blog, but it pertains to today's blog, so I'll expand on it a bit.

As I have said before, my parents were extremely hostile toward religion, and Catholicism in particular, which is odd, because both family lines were extremely religious until my grandparents' generation and I am, in fact, descended from quite a few saints and a cousin to many others.

My grandparents, on my father's side, were not religious at all that I was aware of. They had very difficult peasant lives in the mountains of Northern Italy, with rather brutal parents of their own, who came to America and struggled to put together a life as immigrants, then farmers in the U.S. I will assume that previous generations probably had very strong Catholic background.

My mother's line, however, which I have traced back to the first couple hundred years after Jesus, is full of actual saints, both in my direct ancestry and with a lot of cousins also.  There are dozens, actually. But something happened in the time of the great grandparents in which religion was not a feature.

My mother and her parents and some grandparents were heavily involved in Freemasonry. Uncles and cousins in that family line were likewise involved, with several holding leadership positions.

Carmel Mission

Carmel, California

National Historic Monument

Founded June 3, 1770

Photo by Burkhard Mucke

I have just recently learned from a prominent exorcist that Freemasonry may have some demonic elements to it, though I haven't studied this aspect of things and, as I faithfully steer clear of anything smacking of cosmic controversy, I can't comment about it. My grandmother was a member of the Order of the Eastern Star, and my mother was in Rainbow girls. They took it very seriously and never would discuss ANYTHING about those closely related organizations with me because of vows of secrecy they took.

The Catholic Church believes Freemasonry to be antagonistic to the principles of the Catholic Faith and that their principles and rituals are "irreconcilable with the doctrines" of the faith. (Wikipedia)

Wikipedia: PAPAL BAN ON FREEMASONRY

Catholic.com: What Does the Church Say About Freemasonry?

THE ACCIDENTAL HERMIT "ACCIDENTALLY" FINDS CARMEL

You know, I found the Carmel mission entirely by accident. I had no idea what a "mission" was. I was just riding my bike one day, and there it was. I wandered inside and became enthralled - and that was the beginning of my love of Our Lady of Mount Carmel and the contemplative life that her order supports, exemplifies and protects. And the Catholic contemplative life NEEDS protecting because a good portion of the Church appears to have entirely forgotten its mystical heritage. The Carmelites and other contemplative orders keep this heritage alive, often in a very hidden fashion.

I have often meditated on the significance of my "finding" the Carmel Mission and my subsequent correspondence with the cloistered nuns nearby, and I am sure that I was led there through Divine Intervention. I strongly suspect that my saintly ancestors, as well as Our Blessed Mother in Heaven, and our Heavenly Father, all cooperated to bring me to the foot of the cross, where Mary also stands, to begin my contemplative journey. 

All of these were, no doubt, anxious to return my family to the love of God they had enjoyed for centuries.

When my father and my mother forsake me

then the Lord will take me up.

Psalm 27:10

MY HOLY FAMILY OF SAINTS IN HEAVEN

When I learned that I am descended from many remarkable saints, I gradually became convinced of their heavenly assistance, in lieu of my parents who were absorbed with their own issues. 

I have felt the Divine Accompaniment and influence in my life, but I grew to understand it only during the last 20 years of my hermit sojourn. I rely upon the love and guidance of my sainted great grandmothers and great grandfathers, as well as the friendship and examples of my divine cousins to get me through an extremely difficult set of life circumstances which started with a cruel mother and an absent father, followed by a series of puzzling pieces of "bad luck," several near-death experiences, and for the last 20 years has been marred with chronic illness and pain, mobility difficulties and growing blindness. I have lost most of the vision in my left eye and am scrambling to retain what remains in the right.

I did not know about my sainted ancestors and cousins until I had been researching my ancestry for more than 30 years, and the internet became available for more in-depth research.

Saint Margaret of Scotland statue

My 29th great grandmother

Here are some of the ancestors, not in any particular order:

• Saint Olga of Kyiv "Equal to the Apostles" is my 34th great grandmother, and the patron saint of converts
• Saint Margaret of Scotland, English Plantagenet princess, Queen and wife of King Malcolm of Scotland, is my 29th Great Grandmother.
• Saint and King Louis IX, of France, is my 4th cousin (22 X removed) was closely allied with the Carmelite Order, interestingly enough.
• Saint Ida of Lorraine is my 33rd great grandmother.
• Saint Ferdinand III of Castille is my 25th great grandfather.
• Saint Adella Capet, is my 27th great grandmother.
• Saint Alfred the Great, King of England, is my 33rd great grandfather
• Saint Ealhswith, Alfred's wife and queen, is my 33rd great grandmother.
• Saint Clothilde, Queen of the Franks, is my 42nd great grandmother.
• Saint Hedwiga of Germany, is my 32nd great grandmother.
• Saint Adela of Normandy, daughter of William the Conqueror, is my 25th great grandmother.
• Saint Dode, the Abbess of Saint Pierre de Reims, is my 41st great grandmother
• Saint Edgar "The Peaceful," King of England, is my 33rd great grandfather.
• Saint Begga of Landen is my 38th great grandmother.
• Saint Doda of Metz is my 38th great grandmother.
• Saint Arnulf of Metz (Doda's husband) is my 38th great grandfather
• Saint Aelfgifu (Elgiva), Queen of England, my 34th great grandmother.
• Saint Alfred the Great, my 33rd great grandfather.

I am still learning about these saints and trying to keep the details of their lives in memory, but have not committed much of it to memory yet. I will work on that and also may write a little book about them if I can think of a cohesive concept for it.

THE BATTLE I AM FIGHTING

How could I NOT be Catholic with all of these ancestors and relatives looking after me? The answer, of course, is that after winning over THIS family line, cutting off the family line from all those beautiful saints, first with my great grandparents, and then grandparents and my parents, my attraction for The Faith enraged The Evil One.

I have been tormented in retaliation for my devotion to God - because I am quite sure that my mother and father were surrounded by demons. They certainly lived as if they were. Just as Satan tempted Jesus in the desert, he and his demon pals whisper into the ears of humans any thought or idea they can imagine in order to encourage us to reject God as they did, to disobey God, and to hurt people.

When I was a little girl, I was mystified by the cruelty with which I was treated by my parents. I was good. I knew I was good. I never skipped school. I got good grades. My room was always clean and my bed was always made. I was talented and produced beautiful artworks. I was polite. But I was continually tormented.

My mother, a disabled woman with physical and mental weaknesses, was susceptible to the methods of Satan. 

THE PURPOSE AND METHODS OF SATAN

In the book, Manual for Spiritual Warfare (Paul Thigpen, TAN Books, (c) 2014) the author explains these methods. He tells us that the purpose of Satan and his Demons is to "see as many human beings as possible join them in rebelling against God - and in their everlasting misery separated from Him in Hell." 

They are creatures originally created by God to be Angels, but they rebelled against God. Why would any creature do such a thing? I think it is probably ego. Satan and his minions crave the obedience, devotion and love given to God. It is the supernatural version of worldly jealousy and desire for power.

When Satan and the other angels were created, they were given free will, just as God's human children were. In order to truly love God, it must be a choice, otherwise it is slavery. So, there is this great battle going on the spiritual plane that affects our activities here on earth. 

HOLINESS REPAID WITH MALTREATMENT

My entire life, from childhood onward, I have been the recipient of all sorts of evil that Satan and his dark little pals could inspire humans to do. For so long, I wondered why it is that the more loyal to God I became and the more spiritually inspired I was, the worse I was treated by all sorts of people. My "reward" for holiness appeared to be punishment. I could not understand it. In strictly human terms, it gave me a whopping big case of PTSD, and I am handling that with medical care and coping mechanisms. But the evil that inspired humans to  assail me has its roots in Satan's fury.

I now understand what has been happening all these years and just how high the stakes are. My holy family, chock full of saints, going back hundreds and hundreds of years, is under attack and has been for quite some time.

FORGIVENESS AND REPARATION

This is why it is so important to offer up all the sufferings I endure and, instead of succumbing to the disillusionment I have felt as a result of my fellow co-religionists' heresies and hatreds, I have to pray for them with much more fervor and understanding than I previously had. Unbeknownst to them, they have entered into a bargain with Satan. Jesus's admonition to pray for one's enemies takes on fresh context.

Have you ever wondered about YOUR ancestors in Heaven? Does it not occur to you that they may be in Heaven, on their knees before God, interceding on your behalf?

INTRODUCTION TO CONTEMPLATIVE LIFE

By the time I found myself at the Carmel Mission, my parents had already been divorced about five years, and a parade of predatory men had begun to filter into my mother's household. My father, in turn, was pursuing scores of would-be starlets and was never faithful to any of them, married or not. I had terrible examples of family life and was treated cruelly by my mother.

In contrast, the peace and blessedness that I felt when I walked into the mission struck me powerfully. I felt subsumed in the enormity of the Love of Christ....taken up into a foretaste of Heaven. I can say that now, but at the time I had no words for it. I did not even understand it. I just experienced the bliss.

This is the tiny little store in the Mission

The man behind the counter was my angel. He gave me all sorts of little bookmarkers, prayer cards, 3rd class relics. I don't know if I even knew his name, but he was so kind to me! That man was my introduction to Catholicism. I doubt he ever had the slightest inkling how very important he was in the scheme of things. I did not receive much kindness in my life - and certainly no love, except for the occasional attention of my beloved grandmother who lived in San Francisco and I rarely got to see. 

I was a sponge for the Divine Love that permeated that blessed place and the simple human kindness of that nice man behind that counter. It makes me happy to imagine him in Heaven, gazing on the beatific vision for the rest of eternity. You know, it only takes a little bit of kindness to make a world of difference to a person. That man is partially responsible for my becoming Catholic and he doesn't even know it - or perhaps he does now. I doubt he is still on this earth.

One of the items he gave me had the address of the Carmelite nuns on it, and I ended up corresponding with the nuns of the cloistered Carmelite convent affiliated with that mission.  They sent me pamphlets about the holy life of Carmel - the life of silence and prayer. It sounded like Heaven to me!

My mother quickly put an end to it though. She was absolutely furious that I had started writing them! But I was able to stay with them just long enough for my heart to catch fire with the inspiration of the contemplative life and that is what I needed, evidently.

Of course, it took me some time to find my way to the Catholic faith. The people in our faith are remarkably fond of rejecting anyone that appears to be different to what they're used to. My mother was right when she said I would be rejected by them, but it was not for the reason she thought it was. But I just kept pursuing it and here I am, living as a religious hermit, no less, devoted to the faith and still feeling the bliss!

SATAN ATTACKS THE CHURCH FROM WITHIN

Although I am a Catholic in good standing, to this day I have been unable to find a parish where I have not been subjected to "surprisingly" bad treatment. This has been, at times, superficial, pertaining to me alone, but in most cases it reflects a trend in the church, in general. The church is bleeding members. 

Non-Catholics, when they learn I am Catholic, assume that I share the pro-Trump, "force and punishment" authoritarian model of politicized evangelization to which many of my co-religionists subscribe and advertise on social media like Facebook, and they rake me over the coals accusing me of supporting all sorts of things I do not support. It's like a war. "If you're not with us, you're against us."

Meanwhile, my fellow Catholics, when they learn that I disapprove of Trump's methods, treated me harshly. People I loved very much shunned me. It was brutal. I think I have one Catholic friend who voted for Trump. The rest were very clear that they no longer wanted to know me if I did not support Trump. In the past, friends had occasionally drifted away, when I left the state or converted from Hinduism to Catholicism, but I have never experienced anything like the verbal assaults I got from the people who threw me over for Trump.

Invisibility is another way of disheartening a Catholic who tries to make connections with their parish, with no luck. For example, I have spoken to the office of my current parish many times, explaining I am blind in one eye and it is hard to read the parish bulletin online. They will send me a bulletin for 2 or 3 weeks, and then it stops. I call again. Same thing happens. After 4 or 5 efforts, one DOES give up. At times, I have called, only to be told that I am not registered with the parish! I AM registered with this parish, but Satan can and does mess with the perceptions or he will distract a person,

When I was pursuing "official" status as a Diocesan Hermit, I can't tell you how many phone calls I made to the Bishop's office. I spoke to the right people and said the right things. I was promised return phone calls that never happened. First one bishop, then the next bishop. I have a friend who claims that this invisibility is partially because I am poor and have no money to offer and I have no family in the church and no one to advocate for me. I can't say whether or not that is true, but money does seem to have that effect on people.

In a church that has lost its respect for the contemplative life, the idea of a woman living as a religious hermit is often met with derision. One very worldly priest once told me "don't tell anyone you're a hermit because they'll think you're a kook!"

The adoration of Trump is not something I share, and the politicization of American Catholicism is not something I appreciate. But if it was not this it would be something else because it is in Satan's best interests to keep me as far from other Catholics as possible in his effort to break me away from the faith and to break the faith itself by perverting it.

I feel very sorry for all the other cousins of mine who are likewise descended from this family line of saints. I can well imagine the difficulties they endure.

Satan has been busy attacking Holy Mother Church for centuries. The relatively recent pedophilia scandals are just one of the latest campaigns of his. 

I would venture to say that most Catholics do not believe in the existence of Satan and his demons, primarily because they are not educated in the nature of those creatures and they have been influenced by all sorts of fanciful movies and books that feature demonic personalities.

Icon of the descent of Christ into Hell

Thinking of Satan as a person like a human person is usually the first mistake they make. Satan was created as an angel. We have to remember that. I recommend reading the book I mentioned, above.

Also remember that Jesus spoke about Satan and Hell many times.

WHY I PRAY FOR THOSE THAT HURT ME

If people who hurt me are in league with the Devil, why should I pray for them?

To be under a lifetime of attack by Satan is probably the worst thing that can happen to a person EXCEPT for the fate of those people who, through Satan's influence, have done his work and attacked me, stolen from me, lied about me, were cruel to me, etc. The consequences for them are far worse than the discomfort I have experienced, which is exactly why Jesus told us to pray for those that harm us!

To ally oneself with evil is to choose Hell. Even those who do not understand that they have made a tacit pact with the Devil are consigning themselves to Hell because they have chosen evil. But many folks these days tell themselves that there is no Satan, there is no Hell and there are no consequences for choosing evil, which is wishful thinking. Jesus spoke about hell more than any other topic. Unless those nay-sayers think Jesus is a liar, they had better reconsider this opinion that only Jesus, God and Heaven exist, but not the rest of it.

One woman who stole from me then lied about it once told me that Jesus was going to let her into heaven whether she lied or not - that lying was no big deal and it was "just a story." She did not appear to understand that choosing evil is choosing Hell. Jesus does not send us there. We do that ourselves.

SIN OF PRESUMPTION

So I pray for the welfare of all these people who deliberately harm me. I can't imagine how horrible it will be for them to endure eternity without God. I hasten to say, however, that I dare not presume to know the mind of God or to know whether or not, in His infinite mercy, he may not allow anyone and everyone into Heaven, whether they repent of their sins or not. This is not for me to say. I do recognize that presumption upon God's mercy or lack thereof is a terrible sin, in itself, so I am not positively asserting that any person is destined absolutely for Hell. I just don't like the idea of anyone going to Hell and, in the tradition of intercessory prayer, I choose to offer up my pain and suffering in reparation for my own sins and for the sins of those who have hurt me, in imitation of what Jesus did for all of us.

The church folks who have tried to make me leave the faith because of Trump will get many prayers said on their behalf. The priest who gathered an audience around himself, then told a long and vulgar "joke" about the size of my derriere, complete with pantomimes, is in dire need of my prayers. Parishioners who laughed at the joke about the size of my derriere and did not defend me - they are in need of my prayers. The neighbors that have stolen from me. The neighbors that attacked me in a gang. The thieves who broke my car windows and stole everything within the vehicle. The people who spread untrue rumors about me. Those who caused my father's death. The people who stole my inheritance. All of them are in great need of my prayers. I have only lost money, comfort, reputation, and the peaceful enjoyment of my living space. They have lost everything of value.

At this point in the narrative, one could not be blamed for thinking that this writer has got a screw loose and the reason for her bad luck is because of that. I don't blame you. I did wonder about that myself, early in my Catholic life. But I realized that the more holy, honest and ethical I became, the more bad things happened to me. I was being punished every time I turned toward the good. On the other hand, every time I let up on my spiritual disciplines, relaxed my schedule, gave in to small temptations, I was "rewarded" with lucky turns of fate. It became obvious to me who was to blame for all the bad luck. I was doing all the right things and getting the wrong results. It was not me. It was Satan, trying to get me to lose heart and to give up on chasing good. Instead, he was encouraging me to choose the bad.

GOD BRINGS ALL THINGS TO THE GOOD

God's goodness is so complete that He is able to bring the greatest good out of the greatest evil. Satan's efforts to get me to abandon the faith by tormenting me through Catholics and others has boomeranged on him. Instead, I am more determined than ever to remain within the bosom of The Church and to devote myself even more to my contemplative practices. If that makes me a "kook," so be it.

I write all this in the context of our Lady of Mount Carmel because the Carmelites probably know more about intercessory prayer and the necessity for contemplative practices for the purpose of union with God than any other order or system of thought in The Church, and it is through my early exposure to Carmel that I was able to gear my life toward religion from an early age.

Of course, it took me a long time to get into the Catholic Church, first as a result of my parents' interference, and then as a result of The Church itself. I've told the story many times about how I left the Hindu convent to become Catholic and the nun that ran the RCIA class would not allow me to be baptized because she had this crazy idea that my divorce of a non-sacramental marriage had to be "annulled" before I could be baptized, contrary to all "rules" of The Catholic Church. 

I was living a perfectly chaste life and intended to join a Catholic Convent - Definitely in a "state of grace" - but she could not see it.  In fact, she seemed really angry with me for being a divorced person. How DARE I presume to live like a non-Christian person before I became a Christian? Her attitude seemed to be that I needed to be punished for having been divorced and I had to pay the price of spending "many" years appealing for an annulment of my non-sacramental marriage in order to make up for it. THEN she deemed I would be worthy to receive BAPTISM. I knew enough to tell her that this was not the rule of the church, but I could not get her to see it. She just got more and more huffy and angry with me. This is exactly how Satan tries to keep people away from the church. He appeals to the ego and the anger of minor functionaries in the institution.

Rather late in the game, I have realized that remaining Catholic is and will continue to be very painful and lonely, especially because I am physically disabled, half blind, and in chronic pain, all of which makes it difficult to travel. On top of my personal disabilities, all of us are dealing with Covid and its limitations as well. Satan is not going to give up his efforts to discourage me. He has put a lot of years and effort into disconnecting my family line of saints from The Church. He will continue to try to turn Church folks against me. 

So, if past experience is a predictor of what I can expect in future, the more effort I put into my spiritual practices, the more "bad luck" I can expect him to visit upon me. It will be stressful, but God will not allow it to break me.

I will pray for the strength to endure it, and I am thinking it is time to re-read the book of Job and related works to see what wisdom I may get from that. I continue to look to Our Lady of Mount Carmel for assistance with my contemplative practices, which typically provide relief.

THE PERFECT MODEL OF INTERIOR LIFE

The Wikipedia page about Our Lady of Mount Carmel says that "The Carmelites consider the Blessed Virgin Mary to be a perfect model of the interior life of prayer and contemplation to which Carmelites aspire."

Father Gabriel of St. Mary Magdalene de' Pazzi OCD, writes that "our Lady wants us to resemble her not only in our outward vesture but far more, in heart and spirit. If we gaze into Mary's soul, we shall see that grace in her has flowered into a spiritual life of incalculable wealth: a life of recollection, prayer, uninterrupted oblation to God, continual contact, and intimate union with Him."  Her soul is a "sanctuary reserved for God alone." Isn't that beautiful?

Prayer to Our Lady of Mt. Carmel:

O most beautiful flower of Mt. Carmel, fruitful vine,

splendor of Heaven, Blessed Mother of the Son of

God, Immaculate Virgin, assist me in my necessity.

O Star of the Sea, help me and show me you are my

Mother. O Holy Mary, Mother of God, Queen of 

Heaven and Earth, I humbly beseech you from the 

bottom of my heart to succor me in this necessity 

(make request). There are none that can withstand

your power. O, Mary conceived without sin, pray for

us who have recourse to thee. Sweet Mother, I place

this cause in your hands. Amen."

There are many gorgeous and educational things written about Our Blessed Mother, and her role as the Lady of Mount Carmel. Rather than trying to reinvent the wheel with my own version, I would like to spend the next few days in contemplation and meditation, honoring our Mother, seeking her wisdom and assistance with the many issues with which I am grappling these days, and expressing gratitude for her intervention in my life that day, so many years ago, when I wandered into the Carmel Mission.

SATURDAY IS OUR MOTHER'S DAY

You know, Saturday is typically HER day, and I think it is very special that the 16th happens to fall on a Saturday this year. I highly recommend saying at least a few "Hail Marys," if you can spare the time, and practicing the presence of God and the Saints.

If any of you are interested in learning more about the contemplative life and mental prayer, feel free to contact me through the comment function on this website or go to Facebook and look me up. I am happy to help.

Here are a few helpful web pages that talk about this special feast day:

Wikipedia

Franciscan Media

Catholic News Agency

Discalced Carmel

I will try to clear the decks tomorrow so that I can spend Saturday in my own private retreat, and I hope you are able to do the same.

May you all experience the bliss of union with God.

Please pray for me, as I pray for you.

May we all be blessed!

Mother Silver Rose

Sannyasini Kaliprana

P.S. All of the blog posts I write are independently researched and written by me and all of them are protected by legal copyright, so please just enjoy them here and leave them here where you found them and do not copy any of it to any other place for any purpose.

(c) Copyright 2022, Silver S. Parnell

All rights reserved.

SAINT HENRY II - HOLY ROMAN EMPEROR - July 12, 2022

 

Henry II 

KING OF THE ROMANS

Duke of Bavaria

Holy Roman Emperor

Catholic Saint

Born May 6, 973 - Died July 13, 1024

Feast Day July 13

Patron of the childless, of Dukes, of the Handicapped

and those rejected by Religious Orders

my 1st cousin, 24 times removed

I have been having a particularly frustrating period of time in which contemporary events are just one nightmare on the heels of another. This type of cycle triggers my PTSD and reminds me of a long string of lifetime difficulties, frustrations and disappointments. It seems like everything I have tried to do over the last three decades has been summarily frustrated. One step forward, five steps back. It is exhausting.

My frustration had gotten so bad I spent 2 days unable to resist the weeping that seemed to be on the edge of my tear ducts every dang minute. Mind you, I wasn't incapacitated by it. As usual, I pushed through the inconvenient waterworks to take care of the daily grind, but I made a mental note to put a pin in it for a future day when I had time to unpack it all and figure out what to do with it so I could get on with life without bursting into tears every time I had to explain myself and why certain things are a problem for me. One disaster reminds me of another, and it all comes piling in on me.

When faced with a big life challenge, what I will typically do is spend some time in mental prayer and ask the Lord what He wants me to know at that moment, and I open my mind to the answer, sitting quietly and waiting. It could take days before I get some clarity - especially if I am at a significant crossroad in my life.

In addition to my mental prayer and meditation, I will usually also spend a bit more time in reading inspirational and/or instructive books and watching inspiring movies or documentaries.

I knew I was "in for" a significant message. I am coming up on my 20 year hermit anniversary, and it is both appropriate to review my life path, and somewhat urgent, since the difficulties of my hermit life, as a result of my health problems, mostly, have begun to really press in on me lately because they are unrelenting and I have so little help, except from a couple of friends, who themselves are loaded with family responsibilities and are already doing all they can.

I have also found it upsetting that friends I made when I first became Catholic really surprised me and stomped on my feelings by throwing me away when Trump came into politics and I made it clear that I do not approve of his methods. My friends mean a lot to me, since I have no family to speak of, and for them to throw me away because of a difference of opinion on politics is shocking - especially since the person for whom they threw me out is utterly morally bankrupt.

It is also important to note that I have not changed in the slightest since Trump came on the scene, other than becoming more physically disabled and having a few more wrinkles. I am as loving toward my friends as I ever was. I've never been a terribly political person per se, though I have had my share of marches for peace and justice when I was much younger. I am in favor of peace and justice, but I do not even have a favorite political party. It depends on the issue.

If people were throwing me away because I was a bad friend, it would be one thing - but to dispose of me because I do not share their devotion to a political figure seems, at the very least, unenlightened and more than a little off the mark. That alone is odd, but combined with all the cruelty and dishonesty in his methods, I wonder that they are surprised by my lack of approval of him. He threw little brown children in cages and made them sleep on cement floors, for crying out loud. He lied constantly and then he tried to overthrow our government. His reign was a nightmare.

But for some reason I will never understand, half of the Catholic world is in love with Trump and they justify every awful thing he does, which is another nightmare to add on top of the continual rejection I have gotten from the Church. I can understand those who believe that making abortion illegal will save babies and for this reason they support Trump. (I don't happen to agree that this method will save many (if any) babies because women will return to D.I.Y., the abortion pill, and traveling to areas where it is still legal), but I am pro-life and I do respect the initial impulse to try and do something about this trend.

I had already been cast aside by Hindu friends because I became Catholic - only to find myself out in the cold by many of the Catholics. I have at times wondered if becoming Catholic was the biggest mistake of my life. Don't get me wrong. The faith of Jesus is what I believe in, but many of the people in His church don't seem to share that belief. And there is so much politicking going on that the last time I was getting the Eucharist brought to me, the woman brought the good news of Trump rather than the Gospel, and priests are STILL giving homilies about politics instead of Jesus, turning their tongues into pretzels to justify the politicization of the faith.

I became Catholic because of the mystical contemplative heart of the faith that I read about from St. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, Jane de Chantal, Therese of Lisieux, Hildegard of Bingen, Teilhard de Chardin, Mechtilde of Magdeburg, Julian of Norwich, and many others. But I never hear a homily about any of those folks. Instead it is a constant litany about abortion and politics. It makes me sad.

I believe that the Catholic Church is under demonic attack from the inside. It has probably ALWAYS been, don't you think? Every horrible thing the church has done can likely be traced back to the work of Satan. Satan hates the Catholic Church and misleads Catholics of all stripe. I have run into a lot of Catholics who do not believe in Hell or Satan or Demons, but they still believe in Heaven and the heavenly reward that awaits them when they die. Jesus Himself talked about Hell and Satan quite a bit.

Anyway, the subject of Satan and how he messes around with the people in our church is a topic for another day or two or three, and I know that, to some people, it just sounds nutty - the idea of demons - but there has been so much cartoonish treatment of the topic that it is hard for many people to take it seriously, but we really need to.

So - back to my week: The weight of all my limitations, roadblocks, disappointments, etc., had begun to feel too much for me to handle by myself but what was I to do?

                                                                                                              

My monastic life does not look like I thought it would, two decades ago when I decided that my inability to work outside the home gave me an unanticipated space to live as a hermit. I had WANTED to start a Catholic contemplative ashram, similar to the Hindu places where I had lived. This would be more of a residential situation for retired senior ladies who wanted to live a dedicated life and spend time in shared meditation and prayer. I had an entire plan, and I was to use part of the inheritance my father promised me to carry it out.

By the way, this idea of a Catholic ashram is not new, nor  did I invent it. There is a long tradition in India of similar things. Father Bede Griffiths, a remarkable modern mystic (now gone on to his heavenly reward) created a monastic institution based in an Indian model while in India and also wore the gerua (orange) color robes, as I do on occasion. The Catholic ashram model is attractive to those of us with a background in Hinduism, and also for people of Indian ethnicity.

Gradually, it became obvious that it was not going to happen, especially when my father died about ten years into my hermit life, and I learned that he had previously been taken to an attorney to write me out of his will when he was suffering from dementia.  It really depressed me and it distracted me from my purpose. He died under suspicious circumstances, which was very sad, and it weighed on me, because I did not even know that he had died until after he had been cremated. I had no opportunity to say goodbye to him or to later request an autopsy. This time of year is rough on me, when that anniversary comes around.

Those of us who die poor should be grateful not to have any money because no one will have a reason to get rid of us. Poverty is a blessing in some ways.

At times like this, I turn to the saints, especially those in heaven to whom I am related, and also those that are the patron saints of issues I struggle with, such as Wednesday's saint.

I also try to learn something from ordinary people  - people who have confronted a string of disappointments and disasters and experience a lot of rejection.

One such person was a man by the name of Stuart Long. His entire life was one disaster after another - kind of like mine - and he died from a terrible wasting disease. Mark Wahlberg, a devoted Catholic, portrays him in the movie "Father Stu" that was written by Mel Gibson's girlfriend. Mel is also in the movie.

Here is an interesting article comparing the Hollywood version of Stu's life with what really happened, and they are pretty dang close, which is unusual for Hollywood:

(CLICK on the link below the photo.)

ARTICLE HERE

Stuart Long cannot catch a break. He comes from a broken family with an alcoholic, somewhat vulgar father and a doting mother. First he is a boxer, then gets "too old" for that, then decides he wants to be an actor, and that does not work out, but after his terrible accident, and a big spiritual experience, he realizes that he is destined to be a priest.

Then, he is a new Catholic, and they reject him at first, but he gets accepted to the seminary. (YAY!) He starts to do well. He really "gets" it. He is INSPIRED, but earthy and real at the same time. Gradually, the brash and foul mouthed man begins to earn the grudging respect of his new friends in the Church - THEN he is diagnosed with a terrible and incurable wasting disease and  they're going to kick him out because his disability is going to interfere with his career as a priest. He does really well in the seminary and has gone through Hell to get through it all, but after all that, they can't ordain him. 

What happens next is a wonderful payoff and because the name of the movie is "Father Stu," you KNOW that he DOES get ordained, but the payoff is much better than that, so you really must see that film. I watched it twice yesterday and cried through the last third of it each time.  Ugly cry.

I just can't tell you any more details because I don't want to ruin it for you. Toward the end of the movie, Wahlberg delivers a gorgeous soliloquy, and I wish I could quote it here. I wrote it down in my diary, but, again, I just can't rob you of the opportunity to have a good cleansing cry. Please go see that film.

What I will tell you is that Stuart Long tells us that disability is a blessing. Is that what I need to hear or what?  Of course, I myself have said the exact same thing MANY times, though not in as eloquent a manner, but of course we all know these important spiritual facts, but we have to be reminded every now and then because Satan's demons are always whispering into our ears, making us think that negative and self-defeating thoughts are our own.

They say, "I am not worthy to devote my life to God" or "I'm too sick," or "I just can't do it. I am not able." None of it is true, especially that bit about it being too hard for me. I can dedicate myself to a life devoted to God, but that does not require that I do it in a perfect manner.   I will do it in my own way, the way that God created me to do. I will do it to the best of my ability.

On thing Father Stu says, which I will share with you, is not to pray for an easy life, but for the grace to handle a difficult one. (I am paraphrasing here.) We know this is divinely inspired thought. After all, Jesus could have arranged an easy life for himself but that's not what he did, is it? Instead, he took on the sins of the entire world and died in reparation for them, in a very gruesome way.

I am always telling people that almost ALL of the saints had difficult lives, so we should not think that proof of holiness is a stress-free, easy life. That kind of thinking - that God rewards holy people with easy lives - is heresy with a capital "h." It is not Catholicism. Sure, some people will tell you it is true and they will publish all kinds of New Age memes on Facebook that make that claim - but they are wrong. Those kind of memes are calculated to throw coals on the heads of suffering people that Jesus told us to love.

At the same time I have been binge watching "Father Stu", I am also re-reading my copy of "Manual for Spiritual Warfare."  Very early in that little book is a discussion about how, exactly, the demons insinuate themselves into the thoughts and minds of humans and how they encourage the creation of situations that lend themselves to pushing humans to do the exact wrong thing, They get into your head and make you think that their whispered accusations are actually your own.

Why does God "allow" this? Well, he has engineered free will into all the lives of his creation. If he did not give us free will, that would make us slaves, and we could not love Him freely. We have to choose Him. The demons are only angels that made the wrong choice. They did not want to obey God. They wanted to be in charge.

So we need to learn from this - not to get too big for our britches and decide that we know better than God. Also, it's not a good idea to blame God. Stuart tells us that he blamed his constant bad luck and roadblocks on God - as if it was his fault. He blamed God for all of it, and I think he was mad at him for it.

I am glad that I have yet to blame God for any bad thing that has happened in my life - and I do not say "why me?" but I am rather more prone to saying, "why not me?" I credit the Swami with teaching me that. He also used to say, "just know that something good is going on, even when you can't see it." That has helped me a great deal over the last few years. Something good is going on.

Today I am appealing to my cousin, Saint Henry II of Bavaria who also wanted to be a monk but was discouraged from the priesthood and monastic life - and by "discouraged" I mean they denied it to him. He tried a couple of times but he was advised to continue with his royal duties and leave the monastic prayers to others. He could have demanded it, I suppose, but it shows a bit of humility that he did not insist on it. He followed through with the life that was peculiarly suited to him, and he ended up being Holy Roman Emperor and did a wonderful job of it.

And what will I do? Well, I will continue to do that work that The Lord obviously wants me to do because He has left no possibility for anything else. Evidently, he does not trust me to decide on my own and follow through with it.  I am to continue on as an Accidental Hermit and devote my disabled body to Him, offering up my pains and disappointments in reparation for my sins and the sins of the world, and I will continue to develop gratitude for all of it.

It will take some work to be grateful for the humiliating financial situation, but I will learn.

Currently, my car is missing two windows on the driver's side. In fact, halfway through writing this diary entry, I had to run out and put it back into the garage. Forgetting that the open window meant that the seat would be WET from the heavy summer monsoon rain, I sat right down in it. 

After driving it into the garage, I had to change my clothes, as I was sopping wet! It is embarrassing to be driving a broken down old jalopy, missing hub caps and windows and turn signals. But what can I do?

So, I hobbled back into the house with my soggy butt and had to change clothes and hang the wet pants.

I will be advertising a GOFUNDME as soon as I get some idea of how much it will cost to get everything fixed. It just kills me to always have to beg. You'd think after two decades of disability, I'd be used to it by now - but no. Aside from the discomfort of begging, I find it rather awkward to be driving around in a car that is obviously ill cared-for. Caught between a rock and a hard place.

I worked my whole life so I could pay for the maintenance on my cars, and ever since I got to New Mexico. I've been having car problems. I took SUCH good care of the Toyota that I drove here but then some guy in a truck decided to back into my car without looking in his rear view mirror and accordion it while I was in it, and that was the end of THAT! Because the car was SO OLD, the insurance company would only give me $200.00 for it as a total loss! It did not matter how well cared-for it had been or what low mileage it had on it. 

Ever since I lost that really good, reliable car, It has been one ugly jalopy after another, because I was already disabled and would never again have the money to buy a decent car. If I sell my novel and get the movie rights sold, things may change. In the meantime, I ride jalopies.

What I could use is a van that I could drive my mobility scooter into, and I thought about trying for it again, but the last time I tried to pull the money together for that I got NOTHING for all my effort, so I am just praying to fix the jalopy I've got already, rather than advertise for what I really need because experience has told me I won't get it anyway. (My friend Jane would probably say I am being "negative" at this point, but I believe I know what to expect, based on the wisdom of long experience, so there is no point in disappointing myself unnecessarily.)

If you've a mind to help me before I get the GOFUNDME up and running, then I will very much appreciate a donation. You'll find a DONATION button underneath my photo, above right.

I know there are a lot more tragic stories floating around out there, but I need this just as much as anyone in my position would. I am disabled and cannot use public transport for MANY reasons, the sun van  buses for seniors is also impossible for me. I just cannot write the eight or ten paragraphs I would need to write to outline all the issues and the physical realities. So, while I do not drive much more than 1,000 miles a year, those miles are essential - because I have no other method of having that transportation. I have friends who take me to the eye doctor and the very rare lunch but there are certain short trips for which I just have to have a car. I live on a low retirement income that just doesn't cover car repairs. The last time I took the car in to be repaired, it cost an entire month's income. 

SO - I will get up the GOFUNDME as soon as I can. I am not feeling well at all and moving slowly. I am also working on some art and jewelry projects, which I have to finish and then try to sell, as well as start a Facebook page for them. It is going to take me some time to get all the projects up and running. Then there is the NOVEL I am still writing, albeit slowly. I will let you know when those things are ready for you.

In the meantime, if you are interested in watching that movie FATHER STU, you can rent it from Amazon:

 FATHER STU MOVIE HERE

If you would like to learn about my cousin, Henry II of Bavaria, here are a few good pages about him:

CATHOLIC ONLINE

WIKIPEDIA

BRITANNICA

Reading about Henry will disabuse you of the notion that saints are all perfect. Of course, most of the saints that REALLY appeal to me are a bit more perfect than our man Henry here - but it is very difficult to maintain perfection whilst embroiled in politics. Also, the separation of church and state is not considered a thing to be desired here in the USA, but Henry was appreciated by the church partly because of his involvement of the political world with that of the Catholic Church.

But I would remind people that when the Church WAS in charge in the political arena, it did a lot of horrible things in the name of God, so I rather think it obvious that too much power in the control of any institution is too much a temptation and should not be repeated.

Henry was ill for most of his reign. He also wanted to retire to a monastery but was rejected. And he was known to break out into Bible verse in the middle of a political speech. He accepted his role in life and brought his spiritual inclinations to the job he was given. He sounds to be quite something, and I wish I could have seen him. I count on meeting him in Heaven, when the time comes.

As for my mood, I don't much feel like crying at the drop of a hat any more.  It occurred to me that when one decides to dedicate the rest of their life to God, your life belongs to Him from then on and He can do whatever He likes with it. It seems bad manners to complain about his decisions after the fact. Otherwise, I have not GIVEN him anything, have I?

SURE, my life does not look like I planned it would, but whose plan is to be followed, anyway? I've decided to follow Father Stu's example and go one step further than accepting God's will for me life. I have decided to celebrate it just as it is, because the fact that it is what God has decided for me automatically makes it a wonderful thing.  Something good is going on.

So - that's my ramble for the next few days. Have a beautiful week , everyone, and God bless you all.

Silver Rose
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