THE NEW VISION

 

For more than 20 years now, I have lived as a religious hermit, and it has not manifested in the manner in which I had originally imagined. I find that, rather than being in charge of my activities of daily life, my physical limitations are running the show. 

I originally intended to devote myself to a daily cycle of prayers and some rigorous spiritual practices common to most hermits, but because of the intensity of my constant global pain, and the severe limitations that it puts on my daily functions, I find that I am in service to my body, rather than my body being in service to my aspirations.

I have gradually come to realize that it is just as well that my activities of daily life have been removed from my direction and control, because it has forced me to live in humility and obedience, to follow the dictates and demands of something other than my imaginative goals. Every hermit needs something that keeps the ego in check, and this is the version that God has decided is best for me. In obedience to Him, I surrender to the reality of the situation.

My spiritual disciplines have necessarily experienced a transformation out of the necessity of the situation in which I find myself. This surrender of my mode of worship is itself a submission to the will of the Lord, and I think it is actually a very good thing in an ugly suit because it has forced my spiritual disciplines to become increasingly hidden and interior.

While on the outside, my body and my life have become grotesque, the merging of my will with the will of God has plunged my spiritual disciplines into a deeply internal state of constant communication with Him who is my all-in-all. This has happened because I am entirely unable to accomplish any of the physical postures or appearances that are associated with what we imagine holiness looks like! I am not even able to keep a regular schedule, as the physical pain keeps me from sleep, and I am up at all hours.

When I decided to dedicate my later years to the Lord as a type of urban hermit, I had originally imagined that my hermit life would find me combining some schedule of at-home daily spiritual disciplines with regular weekly or daily visits to one of  several remarkable old churches in my neighborhood. I imagined a beautiful life, surrounded by the memories of the saints, the beauty of religious rites carried on in a holy, incense-filled environment, and a daily routine of exquisite prayers.

But my physical disabilities and constant global pain that makes it difficult and, at times impossible, to walk more than a few feet, combined with the poverty, have rendered a much different scenario.

With regard to the limitations of poverty: I am unable to own a car, which constantly interferes with my ability to manage my day-to-day affairs. This has taken some getting used to because, since I was 16 years old, I have had some sort of car. Of course, I always found it to be expensive, though my tastes ran to the used and tasteful. But, even in those early years, even the most modest car required certain means, if you were going to safely operate one. However, it wasn't the money pit it is today, with all the on-board computerized nonsense. In any case, though I worked from the age of 16, my Social Security income is modest and not nearly enough to purchase a car, once my last car had died.

Many folks presume that I can use public transport, but when you are in a wheelchair, you are vulnerable when you travel by yourself. It takes great planning and nothing is simple. In order to go anywhere, I would have to call some sort of van to pick me up with my wheelchair, and everything is highly regulated, while at the same time the irregularity of my body's abilities requires that I be able to behave in a spontaneous fashion, as and when the body is ABLE to be physically occupied with some task. My physical circumstances need to be responsive to my body, but my financial circumstances require that my body be at the mercy of OTHERS and their conveniences.

All of this was SUPPOSED to have been ameliorated by a promised inheritance, but when my poor father got dementia from Parkinson's disease, his long-time doctors, attorneys and accountants were fired by greedy disreputable crooks who had their hooks in poor Dad. The quack "doctor" who prescribed the pills that killed him eventually went to prison for 7 years for issuing prescriptions in the names of persons he had never met. Look up Dr. Nazar Al-Mussam and his arrest in about 2010, and you can fill in the blanks of this story.

By these circumstances, I have been saved from the curse of wealth, and it is probably just as well, because hermits are not supposed to live in comfort and ease. I had no idea just how painful and inconvenient it would be, but I am gradually, over the years, learning to accept it.

The beauty of what I initially imagined my spiritual retirement would be composed has been replaced by stark and sometimes ugly reality, however. For instance, the giant construction project of my apartment complex has me living in previously unimagined unsightliness.

Both my environment AND my body have become problems in old age. Speaking from the viewpoint of being stuck in a body that does not work well, the time it takes to do anything has multiplied in a ridiculous fashion, and I am unable to hire anyone to relieve me of the manual labors. None of the agencies that the insurance would pay to care for me have been able to supply the necessary personnel. The chaos that these non-religious strangers bring to the hermitage ends up disrupting the atmosphere so badly that I have just decided to dispense with trying to find someone. Instead, I have decided to opt for holy obedience.

Merriam Webster has a lovely definition of obedience. It is, "a readiness or willingness to accept or adapt to a given circumstance." I know that my circumstances are willed or allowed by God Himself, and by welcoming whatever He gives me, I am in union with Him, which is the greatest beauty there is!

Having recently come to terms with the necessity of giving up my previous ambitious imaginings of how the hermit life would look on the outside, I am feeling some measure of relief, in addition to the delights of communing with the Lord internally. This marks the end of a long internal struggle which allows me to create an alternative vision of the remainder of my life, from age 72 onwards.

I needed to decide how to adapt to my body's relative inability to adhere to a schedule of activities. Somehow, I had to adjust myself to be more flexible in response to its unreliable periods of ability, while at the same time adhering to the spirit of the hermit life.

As soon as the apartment complex where I have lived for the last 22 years has finished this enormous construction project in which I am entombed, I intend to do a massive overhaul and removal of everything that is not absolutely needed, so that the beauty of simplicity replaces the chaos.

In the meantime, I am carving out one dedicated space to my fine art paintings, from which I will express the spiritual in acrylic and oil paints. This is something I can do when I am feeling relatively more "well" and which may eventually produce some income with which I might buy a car and pay for a proper attendant who is Catholic and understands the prayerful atmosphere needed by a hermit. The fine art world has expanded considerably since the old days when a handful of galleries had a stranglehold on that market. The creation of the internet has really opened things up - for buyers and sellers BOTH, and it is a great thing.

In addition, I am writing haiku poetry again, and attempting to get myself on a schedule of writing at least one each day. At the end of a few months, I intend to pen them into a beautiful book, add some original artwork, and then sell the book as a piece of original art in itself.  Later, I will find a commercial publisher for the haiku and have it printed up and sold in the normal manner.

In this way, some sort of beauty may return to my life, and it will be something I can contribute to the world, as well.  I will know if this is in God's plan if it works as I hope it does.

In the meantime, we continue on as we are.

Bless you all!

Silver Rose

SELFISHNESS, IMPATIENCE, AND THE CURE OF MEDITATION

APOSTLE PAUL

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain 

conceit. Rather, in humility value others above 

yourselves, not looking to your own interests 

but each of you to the interests of the others."

Philippians 2:3-4

(Apostle Paul to the Philippians)

Other folks' inability to follow a train of thought is beginning to have an affect on my ability to gain cooperation from business contacts for the needful tasks of life. The more my disabilities increase and worsen, the more I need the assistance of insurance companies, care agencies, etc.

But I do not remember this being a problem during the 33 years of my working life when I spent a good deal of time on the telephone, especially when I was transacting the day-to-day business of running the clerical functions of a law office.

These days, however, this problem finds itself constantly in multiple  frustrating telephone calls throughout my typical week. Consistently, when I am trying to relay information to some representative on the phone, they start interrupting me after the first 2 sentences. It is at that point that they appear to be unwilling to give me any more time or brain cells. They are ready for me to shut up, in the middle of a sentence, in the middle of a paragraph.

From my perspective, however, I have approached the crux of the matter, but have not arrived, and if I am not allowed to actually arrive at my actual point, all the time spent waiting on computer hold will have come to naught, so I gamely continue to attempt to make my point.

My business contact however, wants me to shut up because, ostensibly, their brain has decided I MUST be finished because I have uttered 2 sentences, they assume they know where I am going with my conversation, and surely I must be done by now. They begin to interrupt me 3 words into every sentence.

I can feel the anxiety in their voice. They are very likely discomfited by their brain, which is urging them forward at this juncture of the conversation, but I have to push on, in order to get my work accomplished. 

Even if I say, "please let me finish," or "hold on," or "wait," or "that's not my point," or whatever, the person does not appear to be willing to hear me out. They have stopped listening. About half the time, this does not end well and supervisors must be called. Sometimes I am able to get them to give me more time, but it is a frustrating experience.

Occasionally, I will see a similar issue playing out in social conversations, on the phone and in person. I have seen their eyes gloss over and move away, their hands become nervous, their body turning sideways from mine. I notice that many young people do not like to make eye contact. But person-to-person conversation is a more rare occurrence for me because I am a hermit.

 

Because of the artificially short attention span demonstrated by the other person, I have considered that perhaps I am the most tedious and boring person in the world, and that perhaps I am the issue, but I have experimented with this theory, and it quickly becomes clear that none of these behaviors of the customer service agents seems to have anything to do with me, in particular. 

In order to test my theory, I have changed aspects of my approach, and nothing I can do will have any effect on these people at all. For instance, when it becomes apparent that the person is not listening to me, I will stop speaking abruptly and wait for them to notice. I will sense that Elvis has left the building, and I just stop talking. It takes quite some time before some of these people realize that I am no longer speaking. They are involved with themselves, in their own thought processes. I wait through the dead air until they realize that the ball is in their court. I have asked them a question, and a goodly amount of dead air has transpired.

When they do realize I am waiting for them, they jump in and begin to engage again, at which point, I return to interacting with them. But it's obvious to me that problem isn't on my side of things.

Because my life is quiet and withdrawn from society, most of my conversations are business conversations that require the attention of the other person. f I am calling a person, it has something to do with some business of life that I have to accomplish. These type of phone calls, for instance, have become increasing in frequency, as my disabilities have increased in severity, necessitating more assistance from the world outside my hermitage.

Some people reflexively excuse these rude behaviors by customer service agents. They say that the world has gotten "busy," but the world has always been busy. What it looks like, at present, is not that the world is more "busy" but that the attention of our people is more fractured.

When trying to relay necessary information to younger people, they will often behave as if they believe themselves to be PSYCHIC and that they know what I am going to say before I say it - so they interrupt me to answer the question I have not asked. They are always wrong. Trying to get people to focus on something other than their own internal processes is exhausting.

I am rarely having a random CHAT or muttering about incidentals in my life. I have to relay information to people, but most Americans seem to be in such a rush that they hang up the phone or walk out the door or wander away before I am able to complete a thought.

But more than being in a rush, I have noticed that they seem unable to concentrate on anything outside their own thoughts, and THAT ability is questionable. Those who are unable to hold a conversation for more than a few sentences are probably the same people who are not able to read a book, a newspaper, or a magazine - unless they are mostly pictures, and even then they may not be able to focus.

IT ISN'T that I am trying to give these people information they do not need. In fact, it almost always happens that the people who are trying to rush me off the phone are later suffering for this disorganized type of behavior. They typically cause themselves EXTRA WORK DOWN THE LINE because they don't listen, and we have to revisit the issues multiple times until they finally absorb all the necessary information.

So - it is not that my information is not necessary. It IS most necessary to the business at hand, but the agents are unable to give their attention.

I believe they are unable to give their attention because their brains have been trained from an early age to be reliant on the visual cues of video games and social media. 

When the brains of these people were very young, and they were allowed to play video games by their parents, all they had to do in order to get an endorphin "hit" was to exercise one finger. This taught them that, in order to get that BIIIG reward, very little action was required on their part. Therefore, as adults, their expectation is the same. Little effort = big reward.

The moment they have to exert more than one finger's worth of effort, they become unhappy and/or resentful. It can cause confusion. The brain shuts off interest, expecting that the person has already exerted the amount of effort necessary to get the big reward. Chances are, these people remain in a state of perpetual dissatisfaction with their state in life because life's rewards were SO easy when they were young!

I believe that the practice of meditation is what they need in order to reset their brains for reasonable levels of frustration and effort. The ability to give attention to an effort over many minutes is a powerful strength that can be applied to a number of executive functions. Meditation starts as a spiritual practice but it can be adapted to a concentration on almost anything, if you are not a religious person. If you are religiously inclined, the practice of meditation, applied to a spiritual seeker's prayer life provides a remarkable level of concentration ability. 

 

Occasionally, someone will approach me for a non-business conversation. As long as we are discussing them and their own desires and dramas, the conversation could continue for hours, if I let it. The moment I try to turn the conversation away from themselves and their interests, they often become rude, as if I have disobeyed some underlying understanding that only their interests may be discussed. In the current hostile political climate, this is even more true than normal.

But there is a modern fad at the moment that has created these obnoxious memes on Facebook, for instance, that says that you should not keep a friend that does not bring you continual joy, as if my job as your friend requires that I behave as a one-woman circus that is tasked with entertaining you, otherwise I risk being thrown out with last night's dinner leavings.

But, seriously, how could we all keep this rule? If I am required to entertain you, and you are required to entertain me, how can we all keep this up? It doesn't seem reasonable, does it?

Besides which, so often, I have had to sit through truly boring monologues uttered by a friend who, no doubt, imagined that their conversation about life is fascinating, whereas my input is not required.

I have sat through a few conversations, mute and contributing nothing from my own store of wisdom while the other person blabs on and on, because every time I have tried to contribute something to the conversation that is not centered on the other person, they have gotten visibly irritable.

I do hear excuses from some people who practice this constant rushing and interruption of others, and none of the excuses track, logically.

My conclusion is that these people who have been raised with cell phones, social media, and video games have damaged their ability to concentrate. Those of us who have spent decades in the practice of formal meditation have trained our brains to concentrate, so the difference between the way I operate and the way that the younger generations operate is glaringly obvious.

But there IS hope for these people who are able to concentrate on their own interests longer than 3 sentences, because it means that they are certainly able to learn how to discuss the interests of other folks. They simply need to be trained. They would have to understand that they need this training, however, and that is not always an easy fact to convey to someone.

I always recommend meditation as the cure for this brand of selfishness.

Meditation is not just a method of prayer. It is not simply a means by which we link with The Divine, over time, in concert. This is particularly true with regard to formal meditation practices that teach the student to train the brain to stay focused. Those type of practices are a general, all-round benefit to the brain power of the spiritual aspirant. In addition to benefiting one's ability to stay in tune with God, the student is also able to read, absorb and analyze many pages of written material, for instance. The power of concentration is immense and can be applied in many different ways.

There are some fanciful ideas about meditation in "the new age" that tend to fixate upon the pleasures of the student. These type of "practices" actually injure one's spiritual life AND one's brain power. First of all, having too much of a focus on one's pleasure and entertainment damages one's ability to endure discomfort, which is a highly important skill. Obtaining the comfort of spiritual consolations, though a possible side effect of spiritual practice, is a distraction, while the ability to endure discomfort is a super power. This is part of what we do when we "offer up" suffering for the sake of some spiritual benefit. We adjust our attention from the despair of having to undergo suffering, to the hope of a spiritual benefit, especially when the spiritual benefit is for the sake of others.

THIS BRINGS US TO THE NECESSITY FOR GENEROUS SELFLESSNESS. Our world is awash in greed and avarice, which are traits that oppose generosity and selflessness. The cause of every conflict, every war, and every sorrow to humankind is selfishness. Catering to one's own ego seems to be humanity's primary defect. Satan was obsessed with his own selfish interests and said, "I will not serve." This is what selfishness is composed of - the refusal to serve anything other than our own puny selves.

Meditation, which removes our attention from ourselves and puts it on The Lord, is difficult because of selfishness. The harder it is to meditate, the more it is being revealed to us that we are self-absorbed. 

When Jesus tells us to love our neighbor just as we wish ourselves to be loved, He is talking about the development of SELFLESSness.

In short, when we are rushing our neighbor off the phone so we can move on to what we consider more important, we are revealing the state of our spiritual life, and our relative need for spiritual practices, such as meditation, that will incline our mind to the Divine.

Something to think about.

God bless us all.

Silver Rose