IT'S ALL GOOD - HOLY WEEK FOR THE HOME BOUND

 

DISABILITY ON TOP OF DISABILITY

Thanks to my dog going nuts when he spied another dog on the other side of the fence, my arm was nearly wrenched from its socket, and today I woke up with upper back pain that prevents me from doing almost anything physical, so I have decided to catch up with my diary blog and tell you all what has been happening the last week or two. I hope you have time to sit down for a cup of tea and a chat.

THE LORD DEMONSTRATES WHERE HE WANTS ME TO GO

I thought I was being smart a couple years ago when I spent some birthday money on a "guitalele" which is a large 6-string ukelele that sounds like a guitar with a capo on the 5th fret. This is how I always used to tune my guitars for singing, when I was younger, because my voice is higher than the typical key in which guitars are tuned. I never played with anyone else, so the change in key is not of much import. I figured I could play the guitalele just like I used to play the guitar, and this way, when I lose the rest of my vision, I could keep myself busy with something creative that does not require my eyes. It was intended to be a replacement for my painting.

In addition to the guitar, I had gotten a chord book and a music book of Gregorian Chant (religious music) written specifically for the guitalele.

What I HAD NOT counted on was the return of a wicked case of carpal tunnel that my doctor now says needs me to either give up the new guitalele or have carpal tunnel surgery.

Now, the last time I had surgery at UNM, it was for a growth on the bone of a finger on my left hand, and I woke in the middle of the surgery to find the anesthesiologist reading his telephone instead of watching my vitals!

I looked down at the anesthesiologist who was sitting on a low stool, reading and said, "Hey! Put me back to sleep!"  Without a word, he just turned around and moved a switch, at which point I konked out. Considering that experience, I am not keen to have surgeries that are not absolutely essential.  I have been spoiled you see, having lived in Southern California and received world class medical and dental care.

So now I am tasked with trying to sell this guitalele, and unlike California, where it has been, in the past, VERY easy to sell musical instruments (or pretty much anything) I am getting NO bites from the sign I placed on the post office carousel in the middle of the apartment.

I used to bemoan the inability to sell anything in this town, whether it is my home-made jewelry to a local shop or my nicely maintained second-hand items at a garage sale or on the internet or at my parish store in the middle of tourist town or WHEREVER. I long ago realized that, ever since giving my life to The Lord, he really did take me at my word and he guides me into doing what He wants me to do by making everything else impossible!  

I refuse to grumble. I have learned that God has me especially in hand and that the way he guides me to what he wants me to do is exactly in this fashion: He makes everything else impossible.

This is how dense I am. I cannot figure out God's will for me on my own, so he has to show me.

I will put the guitalele back in the corner with the music stand and will play it sometime further down the road, when the wrist is not so compromised.  Or perhaps God has in mind someone to whom he wants me to give this thing. We shall see, I am not going to get mad about spending my birthday gift on something that I can neither use nor sell. I won't berate myself at the WASTE of it all. Instead, I will just move forward.

At this point, The Lord has erected blockades across so many of my paths that I am beginning to get the idea that he wants me to do nothing but pray to Him. It is entirely possible.

THE RULE OF LIFE IS FINALLY IN BLACK AND WHITE

During Lent, I hadn't been writing much, as I had spent most of my time praying, meditating, and working on perfecting my Rule of Life, which I am finally putting to paper, thanks to a timely reminder in one of Father Ripperger's videos about the necessity for it. Threading the needle between the disabilities that often interfere with my schedule, and the great amount of time that is nonetheless available for spiritual practices despite these disabilities, has proven to be somewhat of a challenge. I have to strike a balance between practical leniency on the one hand, and necessary intellectual and spiritual rigor, on the other.

I have been really enjoying dedicating this time to my religious studies and practices, and listening to YouTube homilies and conferences. In addition to the daily "Bible in a Year" and "Catechism in a Year" tutorials that I am using to "brush up" in those two areas, I found some wonderful talks by an extremely erudite and mystically inclined priest by the name of Father Ripperger.

INTRODUCTION TO FATHER CHAD RIPPERGER:

Father Chad Ripperger, Phd.

Catholic Priest, Exorcist, Writer, Philosopher

                                                                                                                                                                                                              I am too disabled to travel to consult with them, but somehow having this special priest residing relatively close to my hermitage in New Mexico has made me very happy. Once you listen to some of his talks, perhaps you will understand why.

I particularly enjoy the teachings that he gives about the various levels of mystical prayer and spiritual life in general. Everything he talks about reminds me of the reasons and incentives that I had to become Catholic, so many years ago,when I read the works by and about the Catholic mystics, such as Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, St. Francis de Sales and Jane de Chantal, the Desert Fathers and Mothers, and various Catholic saints.

The breadth of his knowledge is so wide that it is hard to describe the variety of teachings that he is able to give, with apparently very few notes. He has confirmed for me many of my own self-diagnoses, as far as the defects of my spiritual state, but this is the good news because he also freely gives the remedies. His talks on genealogy and the defects that can be passed down in the family as a result of evil interference, such as from the Masons, has been fascinating, particularly since I am descended from saints - until a few generations ago, when Masons married into that family line, and ever since then, our family has been strongly anti-Catholic. We used to be SAINTS, ages ago. Evidently, the Masonic philosophy is terribly evil. My mother, who was cruel to me, was involved in it and was a member of the Rainbow Girls.

Through the study of his talks, I have learned some new prayers, as well as practices that will benefit my spiritual progress, and I have also begun to develop a love for Our Lady of Sorrows, who he describes wonderfully in a YouTube video, which I will link just below this:

FR. RIPPERGER'S TALK ABOUT OUR LADY OF SORROWS - CLICK HERE

I encourage everyone to Google Fr. Ripperger and meander through the topics. Find one that appeals to you, and settle in for a really interesting talk.

Now, I must warn you, however, that I disagree with him on a couple of issues, so I want you to be prepared and hopefully not be put off. I hope you'll ignore any disagreement you might find with him so you can hear what he has to say that IS very valuable and much more important. One of those things that many people will disagree with is his version of politics, because the videos I have seen, so far, appear to confirm that he may have been substantially influenced by far right wing Republicans since he uses the exact wording of some false pseudo-logic, and he misdiagnoses social programs as "socialism" when, in fact, social programs are present in many different types of governments but have no role in defining "socialism."  The primary defining feature of "Socialism" is a system in which the government owns "all means of production." In other words, there are no privately owned businesses and manufacturers in a socialist system.  We do not have anything resembling that, nor am I aware of any politician who is recommending that we get rid of all privately owned businesses and turn them over to the government! It is just not something that appeals to any of us, that I can tell.

I will just segue into the political for a moment in order to explain further:

CATHOLICS SHOULD FREELY ASSUAGE THE PLIGHT OF THE POOR

I think Fr. Ripperger and also Fr. Mike Shmitz and others of their ilk will say that it is far more desirable that Catholics would be widely and freely charitable so that the needs of the poor would be addressed by the free will of Catholics rather than by the government. Fr. Mike Shmitz even goes so far as to say that using taxpayer funded monies to address the needs of the poor is "evil."  I've heard this from him in more than one of his talks. Saying that social programs are "evil" is ridiculous - especially because the reason why we have had to resort to taxpayer funded social programs is because the Church and Christians did NOT take care of the needs of the poor during the MANY years before Social Security, when the poor had need of it! The government finally had to step in. It hasn't even been 100 years that we have had Social Security. ALL of that prior history, the poor were left to their own devices, primarily.

SO - as much as it may be technically correct that Catholics should freely give so that the plight of the poor may be addressed, I would just say that history needs to be given its due. I have yet to hear how Catholics will be made to do this when they have never done it before.  Not only THAT, but these days, while the government is not doing enough to remedy the needs of the poor, as evidenced all around us with the homeless and other destitute populations, Catholics today have not remedied the dire need that remains.

In my own personal life, I have a lovely Catholic friend who does everything she can to help me, but she is the only one. One person cannot do it all...and Social Security is simply not enough.

Until the Catholics can say, "look, we have taken up all the slack and we are prepared to do more," it is a bad idea to eliminate the social programs that are keeping many of us alive. It would also be necessary to address some of the root causes of poverty, such as the unethical tax structures that keep the rich getting richer, as well as the artificially reduced wages.

ARE WE BECOMING SOCIALIST?

The far right, in particular, is fond of accusing people of being "socialists" when it is not true. They must have studied what socialism IS. Heck, all you need to do is look it up in a dictionary and it clearly says:

SOCIALISM

"A theory or system of social organization that advocates the
ownership and control of the means of production and 
distribution, capital, land, etc. by the community as a whole,
usually through a centralized government."

Far right politicians fling that word "socialism" around in order to try and manipulate the vote. They want to sway public opinion against social programs that are paid for by equitable tax systems, so they call anyone who advocates for fair wages and tax structures as "socialists." This cynical name-calling has become so common that even people who do know better and would be better served to use the correct labels for their beliefs will use "socialism" to mean a government that uses substantial social programs to help its citizens. I am thinking of Bernie Sanders when I say this.

Anyway. I could go on about this, it's just that every time any priest, whether it is Father Ripperger or Fr. Mike Shmitz, opines about social programs by saying that they are "evil" and that it involves using "someone else's money" to pay for social programs, it makes me cringe because it may turn off some people to his primary message. The problem for him, with regard to the cliche that it is "someone else's money" that is being used is that this is simply not true.  Here is why:

IT IS NOT "SOMEONE ELSE'S MONEY"

Right wing politicians have managed to keep workers' wages very low over the last 60 years, while outrageously inflating corporate profits and the income of the wealthy, as well as giving them incredible tax breaks, especially on capital gains. Over the last 60 years, they have redistributed the wealth of the USA so that the people who actually do the work do not share in the wealth created by that work. Something like three people now own more wealth than the bottom half of our country combined!  Here is how they did it:

In this graph, created with figures obtained from the Department of Labor, we see how the income of the wage earners has barely moved, only increasing 26% between the years 1970 through 2005, but the corporate profits have increased 250% and the CEO salaries have increased 430%! You can practically SEE the money being pushed up the pyramid.

As a result of this redistribution of wealth, the money that should have gone into the pockets of the workers who created the wealth has been put in the pocket of the rich guy at the top of this vile pyramid. Taxing the wealthy guy who took my money that I earned with my work addresses a grave injustice, a real THEFT, but now the GOP politicians and some RepubliCatholics are screaming that, somehow, the politicians on the left are trying to "redistribute wealth" by stealing rich people's money. It's a huge scam.

I am addressing this side issue in some detail because I don't feel comfortable just saying that Fr. Ripperger is spouting some Republican talking points that aren't true without backing up my position with facts. 

I dearly wish that he wasn't on board with the far right because that's where the conspiracy theorists and the violent January 6th insurrectionists live. I know that his position on this will be offputting to many who have had to struggle with the unfair tax systems and the artificially suppressed wages that the Republicans have squashed for decades. Unfortunately, priests and other religious are often at least one step removed from normal life, and they have a type of security and support that the wage earners will not have, so that they do not experience the nitty gritty of insecurity in the same way that you and I have done.  

I HAVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE OF THIS

I can contribute anecdotal, subject experience with being a wage earner during all the above years - at least until 2003, and every year it became harder and harder to make enough money to support myself. The inflation went up considerably more than my wages and, while my bosses were buying a SECOND vacation home (their third residence) so that they could go skiing every year during the winter, I was struggling to put food on my table. As a result, when I had to retire in my late 40's because of disability, I had NO savings to bring into retirement and help me. HALF of the American people will be in the same position when they retire - they will have NO savings to supplement their Social Security that we are now told is going to run out of money.  

THE REASONS SOCIAL SECURITY IS RUNNING OUT OF MONEY:

Predominantly, the tax structure benefits the wealthy who pay the same tax as someone who earns $150,000 a year. Raising the cap so that the wealthy pay the same percentage of their income into Social Security as the rest of us do would fund Social Security for at LEAST 75 years.  If there was NO "cap" on contributions and it was a straight percentage for everyone, we could fund it until the sun burns out.

Secondarily, BOTH parties have "borrowed" from Social Security in years' past and no one ever paid back the money. I find this infuriating because they weren't supposed to be able to take our money like that. When Social Security was first proposed, it was a rule that the government could not use our money for anything else. Gee...wonder what happened to THAT!

SHOULD MEN BE IN CHARGE OF THE WORLD AGAIN?

The other area that some people will find issue with Fr. Ripperger is his strong opinion that men should be in charge of everything, especially families, and that women should just be obedient. He also makes comments about women talking too much - or at least talking too much to the wrong people, i.e., men, because the verbal skills of women are meant for the benefit of the children, whose brains are formed in response to the constant babble of their mother's voices.  This is according to him. It looks like he has combined Biblical injunctions against women talking in church with some research projects he may have read that speak to how babies need the speech of their mothers. Since he is a man, it does smack a bit of wishful thinking to me. I am betting he is not fond of listening to women talk or having conversations with them. That's my guess, based upon these things he has said in some of his talks.

On the other hand, I have remarked in years past that SOMEONE has to have the final word in a relationship or the fight never ends and decisions cannot be made on the most important topics.

But a system that gives men these kind of absolute rights over women often results in women being brutalized. Of course, women can be brutalized in an entirely free society. I have experienced this several times. 

Then too, If you don't want a man to be in charge over you, one can always choose not to have a husband, but then you are outside of any protective structure at the same time. This is true even now. Being a single woman in our society, especially in the arenas in which families are emphasized, such as the Catholic Church, puts one on the OUTS. If you are also, at the same time, unsuitable for convent life, you are really on your own and, I think, rather vulnerable, especially as you age. 

The fact is that we DO live in a patriarchal society. Men have always been more forceful and insistent on getting their way, and women are, for the most part, less interested in dominating.  So, it may be just one of those inconvenient facts of life and the natural law. Anyway, those are my conflicting thoughts on that topic.  I am just preparing you for his opinion.

Father Ripperger makes the point in one of his talks that the Lord would not have told us to "become perfect" if it was not possible, but it is only possible with the help of God's grace, and His grace descends in response to our progress in estabishing ourseles in virtue.

Our entire purpose in life is to become virtuous, as much as is possible with our efforts and God's grace, and to spend eternity in Heaven with The Lord. The greater our virtues, the closer we will be to Our Lord in that Heavenly realm.

I am learning from him that, in order to combat the many defects that I have, I have to work to obtain the corresponding virtue. For instance, gluttony. I am far too interested in food. It has always been a problem, and now that I am disabled and mostly home bound, it is very difficult to get a handle on it. In order to combat this, though, I must learn how to be better with fasting - the virtue that conquers gluttony - so throughout Lent, I have redoubled my efforts to fast and abstain, despite my age and medical conditions which obviate those obligations. It is because I am not obligated that I feel compelled that I do it.

Before I read all the Catholic mystical literature, I had no idea that Catholicism had such a vast wealth of mystical, transcendent inspiration. Teresa of Avila, St. John of the Cross, and the Desert Fathers and Mothers, among many others, shifted my consciousness. I was in the Hindu convent (Vedanta) at the time, and it was inconvenient when I fell in love with Jesus and His church, especially for the Swami, who had forced the nuns to accept me after more than a year of them putting me off. He grew frustrated with their jealousy. It was unseemly.

But I digress - ONCE AGAIN!

I HAVE tried to get involved in SOME kind of church activity during Lent, but it is nearly impossible. I am having trouble walking, and I am not able to sit in one place for all that long, either, especially on hard wooden seats. It isn't a matter of simple discomfort. I have MORPHINE for that, but it is a matter of being able to rise and walk if I sit too long. That is the issue.

I have been calling my parish since last NOVEMBER, asking for the eucharist to be resumed, post Covid, and after many many phone calls, I finally gave up. But I was wrong to do that. I should never grow tired of seeking it.

Because I cannot walk very far, crowded churches with limited handicap parking spots have no remedy for me. I have tried to find someone who could take me to church, but no one is in the mood to help. Volunteers have either not returned to church or have stopped going altogether. There is also NO parking at my parish church because it is in "Old Town," the tourist center of Albuquerque. They have a tiny piece of a parking lot behind the old church, and it is for the use of the priest and the office staff, for the most part. Occasionally, if I call ahead of time, I can get a permit to park back there, but this means that I have to go to church TWICE - once to pick up the placard and another time to actually USE it because the office is closed on the weekends. When I DID try attending a Saturday afternoon mass, the only one practical for me, due to crowds, it was an extremely long walk from the car to the inside of the church, and I nearly collapsed on the way in. Then, when I left, I had to exit through the front, so as not to inconvenience the folks up at the altar, and it was a very long trip around and around the church and back to the parking lot.

I have no one to take me to church. I just don't know that many people in Albuquerque because I became disabled shortly after moving here. Otherwise, I might be able to get a ride.  But, even then, people who tend to be willing to do charitable things like give rides to disabled old ladies often get called upon to do all kinds of things that require them to stay at church after the service is over, whereas I am ready to scream from the pain of sitting for an hour on a hard bench and I am more than ready to go home, once the mass has ended. 

A friend and I went to confession, though, during the first week or so of Lent. She drove us to a church halfway across town, and we were lucky to grab an empty parking spot of the 4 that were available. In a very short time, the other three were taken.

Before confession, I mentioned my dilema to the priest, and he told me, "sometimes we don't answer the phone. You have to keep calling."  He was right, of course. So, being obedient, when all is said and done, I DID resume the phone calls to my parish, and I kept leaving messages, with no response.  Finally, one day, the office actually answered the phone. She said I was "on her list" to call - I'd only been leaving messages for the last 5 months! It turns out that it won't be until sometime after Easter that they will get to me - if it happens at all. The thing is, the parish that is designated my area parish HAS to be the one that brings me the eucharist, according to the rules, which makes sense.  But I have heared from workers at other parishes that many people come to them, complaining that our parish just doesn't answer phone calls and they are very disorganized. But they used to have 3 people in the office, and now there is only 1, and she is beside herself with all the work. If only I was healthy, I would have been so happy to help out.

IT'S ALL GOOD

One of the topics that Fr. Ripperger discussed on one of the MANY videos I've listened to on YouTube is the attitude that one has to adopt with regard to negative life circumstances.  Many people assume that if you are devoted to the Lord and follow through with the prayers and meditations and whatnot, that He would make things go well for you.  Well, that's not the way things work, it turns out. Remember Job, and what an excellent devotee he was, yet the Lord allowed Satan to turn his world upside down. NOTHING went right for that poor man. And everyone was clueless.  Even his friends, who should have known what a devout person he was, suggested that he must have committed many sins to warrant such adversities being visited on his head. Folks will sometimes try to blame the person for unearned troubles. It is easier than being sympathetic, I suppose.

From very early childhood, I have been assailed by cruel fortune, which grew worse and worse over time until today, when I am in constant pain. It has been a neverending stream. WHATEVER has been happening to me in this long and cruel life, it is an expression of God's goodness and grace so that I may become as virtuous as possible and will not be out of place near Him in Heaven. I console myself with the knowledge that the lifetime of affliction I have endured is what has been necessary to purify my soul for union with Him, thanks be to God!

I know a person who complains constantly about the amounts they have to pay for the things that go wrong in their life, without thought for the fact that they have all the remedies at their disposal with which to answer whatever need arises.  Gratitude is lacking. I take lesson from this. If I am ever relieved of this constant stream of sorrows, I will remember never to complain about spending all the resources I have in order to fix whatever goes wrong, since it is far superior than not having any, and I know this from experience.

In the spiritual realm, God has his reasons for allowing a flood of tribulations with no cease. He is using the pain and the trials to perfect me in some way. After all, Jesus said, "be ye perfect as your Father in heaven is perfect." We can't do it alone, and Jesus would not say it if it was not possible, therefore His plan is at work.

GOD BRINGS GOOD OUT OF BAD

The thing I am making an effort to remember is that God uses all circumstances to bring good into my life, in some way that He is not discussing with me, so each negative circumstance IS an icon of the Good God. I have therefore started thanking God throughout the day for each pain and privation, rather than praying for Him to alleviate them.  Wheneer some pain hits me, I just say, "thank you," now, as if I have already received and/or recognized the good that He is bringing to me from these pains. It's a good thing I live alone because otherwise I'd have some explaining to do, next time I say, as I crip around my apartment on my arthritic bones, "Ouch! Thank you, Lord!"

Bless us all!

Silver Rose

INSPIRATION FROM SAINT JOHN CHRYSOSTOM

 

Saint John Chrysostom

I have a lovely little red leather bound prayer book that I bought while attending a Ruthenian Byzantine Church, and I haven't looked at it once since I stopped attending that parish, and I wonder why, because it is precious, as in valuable. There are a number of carefully curated prayers, lists of holy things, simple instructions about how to do the different styles of fasting and abstinence, beautiful prayers to our Lady, the Most Holy Theotokos - all sorts of uplifting, and sometimes challenging offerings. I have decided to put it in my stack of favorite books - the books to which I refer daily. It just took me some time to get around to it. It was waiting for me. Kind of like God, I suppose, who waits for us to reach for Him.

While I was perusing it and admiring the beautiful gold-trimmed edges of each page, I found this comment on 2 Corinthians:

"Let no one then, even those who are come to the most
extreme wickedness, despair of himself. For even if you
have passed into the habit, yes and almost into the 
nature of wickedness itself, be not afraid...For he did
not simply say that He would wash us, but that He
would make us 'white as snow and as wool,' in order to
hold out good hopes before us. Great then is the power
of repentance, at least if it makes us as snow, and
whitens us as wool, even if sin has first gotten
possession and dyed out souls. Let us labor earnestly
then to become clean; He has enjoined nothing
burdensome."

I really love this quote because I often feel that I am one step behind everything that requires doing - especially during LENT. The physical pain and my newly acquired ungainly hobble frustrate me so that it is difficult, at times, to stay serene at prayer time. There are occasions when I feel an urgency to get it done NOW because I must put up my feet or I will collapse. It's frustrating, this tension that gets generated so easily. And then I wonder if the way I carry out my daily prayer schedule is as disappointing to Him as it is to me.

But then I read a short reminder like this one and I can breathe a sigh of happy relief because I am re-established in His Truth that He loves us and is not unduly testing us. Like the delighted Father that encourages the baby to walk to Him in its first steps on chubby little baby legs, He is not going to let us fall when we are struggling so earnestly to reach Him! Thank you, Lord, for giving us Saint John Chrysostom and the other holy ones who stand on the sidelines, urging us forward.

God bless us all.

Silver Rose

P.S. As some of you are aware, I am disabled, without family, and in three months, I will be 69 years old.  Social Security is about half of what I need to live, and every year I get further behind while the disabilities increase in number and severity. The car is a junk heap. Credit cards have piled up in a frustrating cycle of robbing Peter to pay Paul. For the last 20 years I have been unable to work (though I have tried various things and continue to slave over the novel and poetries.) Please consider donating to my paypal, above-right, or sending a little food from my Amazon wish list, below.  They have my address and can mail to me directly.

Just click HERE FOR FOOD DONATION

THE TRIALS OF JOB - BEGINNING OF LENT

 

Satan Torments Job

It is expected, during Lent, to offer pains and sacrifices to God, "mortify the flesh," give alms, eschew extravagances, and offer up one's time to extra prayers and religious observances. People 60 and over have fewer requirements during Lent in the Catholic Church, probably because we have enough illnesses, aches and pains from just being old!  I know I do. But still, I love Lent for some reason.  I think it is because it gives me some encouragement to put more energy into my spiritual practices.

This year, I am meditating on The Book of Job because my life, in the last 20 years, looks a lot like his: one crappy circumstance after another.  Chronic daily pain, mobility challenges, blindness, the death of my father, being written out of my father's will AFTER he got Alzheimer's, betrayal and theft by the one close relative I had left, the death of my only child, dropping into a poverty-level socio-economic strata, and losing friends as a result of all the above. 

First, I lost nearly all of my support structure, and then I started getting attacked by various people. I became the object of harrassment by belligerant, angry apartment management. Church ladies started gossipping about me, spreading unkind criticism. Neighbors started spreading lies about me. Hindu friends dropped me when I became Catholic. Parish friends dropped me when I refused to support Trump, forcing me to change parishes. And temporary friends, flitted in and then right back out again when it was found how very useless I am.

I relate to Job because the more devoted I become to God, and the more assiduous I am in practicing my spiritual disciplines, the longer and more calamitous my litany of tribulations becomes!  The moment I add a new religious prayer to my daily routine, without fail, something miserable happens in my life - and it isn't usually something temporary, either! When I become more reliable in my practice of a promised meditation or prayer, BAM! I am rewarded with some new woe. When I do a kindness for someone and deliberately avoid telling anyone else about it, WHAP! Some new financial circumstance arises to create chaos with my already unsteady bank balance.

My litany of woe has been noticed by the small circle of loving friends that remain, and they are wondering what is up with that? One situation after another befalls me. Is God punishing me for something? But, like Job, I don't have an answer for them because, while I don't pretend to be God's MOST reliable devotee, I do my best to avoid evil, do good, obey Him and love Him.  Ever since baptism, I have increasingly repented and repaired. I just do not see a correlation between all the good I do and that dark litany of mishaps.

But it's a good question, isn't it?

AT FIRST, I considered the situation in strictly worldly terms, rather than a spiritual test, because I have experienced a considerable amount of society's enmity in the form of discrimination and contempt against the poor, the elderly and the disabled, which is something that is an entirely new phenomenon for me, since I spent the first half of my adult life in much better circumstances.

I've talked with many disabled and poor old ladies who have also grown used to being treated like pariahs at home, at church, at the grocery store; it's all the same. We meet irritation and disdain, wherever we go, cripping along on our canes or walkers - sometimes zipping past on our battery-powered mobility scooters! The bullies who abuse us will only restrain themselves from rudeness if the disabled old lady has a companion to witness the treatment - something that is rarely available for those of us who are independent and/or without family.

I tell better-situated folk that I am not alone in this and that, especially in the case of single women who have to make their way in the world entirely alone, this condition is quite common, but since they have not experienced it themselves or seen it in the lives of their other well-married and well-housed friends, they have a hard time understanding how this could be true - and who could blame them? I'm the only one in their circle who suffers like this!

Society, in general, does not care about this trend. There is a lot of gossip about the poor: unflattering hearsay that serves to defend the actions of the bullies. Insults about the poor abound. Social media is full of it. Fabrications about poor people pretending to be disabled float like discarded shopping lists on waves of blather.  Cliches that accuse the poor of widespread drug and alcohol abuse flourish, completely ignoring the aspect of inherited illness that causes much of whatever such illnesses exist. All these accusations are free of proof or detail.

I will admit, however, that I have recently discovered that, at least in the town where I live, there are at least a dozen people who have responded to my advertisements for a caregiver who freely tell me that I have to pay them cash because they are living on disbility. My reply, of course, is to tell them that since they are already breaking the law, I do not feel comfortable having them in my home - but that does not go over very well because, you see, they feel entitled to cheat the system. I blame this on the widespread disbelief of God, Heaven and Hell. Some of these people might tell you that they believe in God, but they think he is going to make an exception in their case - or some such nonsense. They also do not believe in the Devil.  I tell them, "that's ok, Satan believes in you."

I do wonder if the unfair wages and other systems that oppress the poor are enough to give God pause when contemplating the final judgment. Perhaps He will be blaming the rich folk who create these systems.

Many "Christians" think the poor must prove they are legitimately poor and have no character defects in order to qualify for the mercy of Christ. (Even though I became disabled due to inherited diseases, I've heard people claim I inherited them because I am fat, when it is actually the fat that is caused by the disease!) 

I got pretty tired of seeing those memes on Facebook complaining about people paying for groceries with "food stamps" while at the same time wearing nice clothes and carrying a cell phone.

Forget the fact that the person making this complaint has no idea where any of that stuff comes from. For all they know, someone gave it to them, or the cell phone is a government phone they got for free, or the "nice" clothes are from the thrift store where women who shop good brands donate their old clothes every season.  Who knows?

I don't see those complaining memes any more. Ever since a particularly critical set of Facebook friends "unfriended" me. Probably a good thing.

What initially brought me to consider the idea that there is a spiritual reason for my litany of calamities is that, while there are many poor folk who share the unfortunate triumvirate of poverty, seniority and disability - not all of them share the number and intensity of vexations as I have experienced. 

There ARE exceptions - so what is going on here, exactly? 

You may remember that, in the Book of Job, Satan claims that Job is only devoutly loyal to God because God is giving him nothing but largesse. He alleges that, if The Lord were to stop showering Job with good fortune, Job would immediately turn against Him.

The Lord, knowing Job's love and allegience to Him, allows Satan to torment Job, who ultimately proves Satan is wrong. Throughout the loss of family, farm, health and everything else worth something in worldly terms, Job continues to love God, praise Him, obey Him, and believe in His goodness.

At the end of the story, the Lord does not replenish Job's storehouses, bring his livestock or his family back to life, or repay Job in any way for his loyalty. In order for Job to love the Lord, he does not have to be paid for it. It is not a shopkeepers religion where the devotee expects benefits in repayment for devotion. He loves God for the sake of God alone.

God had confidence in Job's love for Him.

The idea that God may have confidence in my love for Him and that He knows that I will Love him with my whole being regardless of whether or not I have a litany of woe - THAT makes me very happy. It really does.

There is another aspect of the story of Job that I found helpful. Just as in Job, where Satan is behind the torment of the devotee of the Lord, it occurs to me that the people who abuse me are likewise under the influence of Satan. 

Satan is the source of evil - not God. 

In fact, the more sincerely I follow my spiritual disciplines, prayers and devotions, the more attacks I get from the anti-Catholics, the fake religious, and the like. 

I need not look for a reason why various friends, neighbors and actuaintances take advantage of my kindness (and anything else they can get their hands on), then shun me and spread gossip about me so they can hide their thievery. Fellow co-religionists who snub me without explanation, the ones who left me because I would not support their political candidate, and the ones who made disparaging comments about the poor while claiming to be a follower of Christ are those whose absence I need to celebrate instead of mourn. They were doing harm in the background, while I was trusting them.

"Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter

 the kingdom of Heaven, but only the one who does the 

will of my Father in heaven."

Matthew 7:21

Every prayer I say, every abstinence, every religious observance I offer to God is a slap in the face of Satan, and he will revile me for it. Through the hands of his peons, he will try to take my heart from God, just as he tried to do with Job.

In the end, if The Lord is the only well-wisher I have left, then so be it.  If He chooses to let me remain in a state of poverty and disability, so be it.  The litany of tribulations can grow longer and longer. It will be what it will be.

It also occurs to me that Satan has reason to be particularly furious that I am not on HIS side in the war between good and evil. He had every reason to believe that I would be "his" from the time I was born, because I was born into an amoral, Catholic-hating natal family. Both Mother and Father were unscrupulous, selfish, and depraved people.

A family of saints.

BUT in my genealogical research, I discovered that I am actually descended from quite a fair number of saints and also I am cousins to an even larger number! The holiness of that family line was broken at my grandparents' generation. They left the Catholic faith behind, and ever since I discovered it, I realized that I can help bring the family back to Holy Mother Church by offering all my pains and sufferings for reparation of my sins and the sins of the world. I must pray to my sainted ancestors and ask for their prayers for the rest of the family, and also pray for the family that left The Church.

This is actually in line with a vow I made when I became Catholic.

When I became Catholic, I privately vowed to offer myself up in hopes of re-uniting the Catholic Church with the Orthodox, so that The Church could breathe through both lungs again - East and West. Bringing my family line back under that canopy seems like a harmonious idea.

While I do not pretend to be thrilled with an ever-growing Litany of hardship and headaches, I can hold onto the thrilling thought that God trusts me as He trusted Job. What could be better?

I would love it if things would return to the smooth path of earlier years - when I had enough money to live comfortably and enough health to do all the practical things. I really miss riding horses. It would be delightful to go shopping and wander between the book store and the cafe. I wish I had done a bit more world travel before I became disabled and could no longer manage it. I would gladly accustom myself to a much shorter litany of longsufferingness. In short: I'm not a masochist! But I accept the role that The Lord has laid on me, and I will do the best I can with whatever reserves of energy I am allowed.

So why am I writing this?

Well, I'm a writer and I can't help myself. But mostly I hope to encourage other folks whose lives are a bit in the ditch and they have begun to wonder what it all means. I am here to tell you that it does not necessarily mean something negative about YOU. I would like you to consider a wider point of view. Jesus loves the poor and downtrodden, you know. It's all over the Bible - so if the world has you looking down your nose at yourself, I suggest you change your perspective and adopt an elevated view. Look at your situation through the loving lens that Jesus uses.

I pray that my numerous sainted ancestors and other relatives intercede on behalf of us all; that they pray at the foot of Our Lord's throne and ask for the re-unification of the Orthodox and Catholic Churches, for the healing of my family line and its return to Holy Mother Church, for the reduction of my litany of sorrows and burdens, and for the intentions of my handful of readers.

God bless us all!

Silver Rose

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS - 2023

 

While every year I tend to make spiritual resolutions, this year is particularly significant for me because, early in the year, I celebrate 20 years as a religious hermit.

The overarching goal is to become more faithful to my Catholic vocation. Any monastic type person who lives independently, without supervision or authority over them has to be exceedingly careful about this. It is SO easy to become slack in some areas and overly attentive to others. Avoiding the temptation of riding a hobby horse is as important as the virtues and practices we give short shrift.  Balance is key.

For example, we currently have the case of Father Pavone, who became so enamored with the political push to criminalize abortion that he justified some terrible things, such as keeping the bodies of aborted infants for use in dramatizations of the Holy Mass, where he put the body of at least one infant on display, using that human person in a way directly opposed to the teachings of the Catholic Church about the proper respect to and care of the bodies of human persons.

That poor man rejected the instructions of his superiors, and his individualistic and renegade behavior, including "blasphemy" on social media posts, led to the Vatican finally defrocking him last November 9th, after many years of trying to coax him into obedience. Fr. Pavone refused to obey the orders of his superiors and slandered them on social media - many examples of which I was surprised to see on Facebook and elsewhere, that caused scandal to Holy Mother Church.

Excising one narrow aspect from an article of faith  and pushing it into the political sphere is a perfect example of the tendency for independent religious to ride that hobby horse into the sunset. In Pavone's case, making abortion illegal is only one proposed method by which some people imagine that they will eliminate abortion, which is only a part of the pro-life orientation of The Church. 

In addition, that method has never worked before. Abortions have always been available. Lately, they have been legal, but I remember the days of illegal abortions, and they were freely available. Anyone that imagines otherwise is fooling themselves. Making abortion illegal does not stop abortion. It stops safe abortions.

I notice many people celebrating the Supreme Court's recent actions to make abortion illegal again, but I believe this will backfire.

I am fairly sure that abortion will not disappear until we evangelize the culture - which is a lot more demanding and challenging a thing than making abortion illegal. But it is obvious that if Americans were to become evangelized to Christ and His Holy Mother Church, they would not WANT to have abortions. Abortions exist because people want them or feel they need them - not because they are legal. 

In this point, we have an example of the violation of one of the tenets of classical logic. The cause of abortion has been wrongly attributed to it being legal. Correlation is not causality.

Pavone abandoned Christ's call to evangelize the faith and traded it in for the political path, with a side of illicit masses, and the body of a dead baby on top of the whole mess, like a cherry on top of a nightmare cake. It is tragic, really. 

I bring him up as a cautionary tale for myself. I do not want to end up like him - so individualized and hyper-focused on a "holy cause" that I imagine that The Church has to follow me rather than the other way around. This is exactly how the Angel Satan fell. 

So, this year, the first thing I will do is put some effort into finding a spiritual director who has more than my 20 years under his or her belt, so to speak. That's the first thing.

Secondly, I think it is time to return to the basics and do a major review.  I am taking a "Bible in a Year" class, and a "Catechism in a Year" class. I have also begun the preparations for re-consecrating myself to Jesus through Mary.  In addition, my ascetic practices have gotten flabby - along with my body. I will be tightening up my diet and simplifying it.

My customary daily prayer commitments have also suffered over the last 10 years or so. I've decided to program them into my telephone and get back onto a schedule. I am battling some awful insomnia and have to address that so that I can adhere to that schedule.

In case you have interest, my daily spiritual practices involve:

• At least one hour of meditation, in two 30-minute segments, morning and evening.
• Little Office of the Blessed Virgin Mary
• The Rosary
• The Angelus - 3X daily
• The Divine Mercy Chaplet
• The Holy Mass, streamed live from Santa Fe

During the re-consecration to Jesus through Mary, there are at least three daily prayers that are prayed in conjunction with this.

As my readers are aware, I am disabled, mobility challenged, in chronic pain, and going blind - so taking on all this extra work and study will take a lot of my limited energy, and I will have to simplify a LOT of my activities and eliminate some unnecessary ones.

If any of you want to follow along with me in any of these spiritual disciplines, just let me know. We can be companions on the journey together. Just message me by commenting and leaving your email address. I won't publish your message. 

In the meantime, please pray for my continued conversion, as I pray for yours.

God Bless us all!

Silver Rose

START THE NEW YEAR AS A SLAVE TO MARY

 

Some years ago, I made my consecration to Mary, but it was rushed, so I feel called to do it again - a refresher, which is a common thing to do. Some people regularly repeat the cycle, delving deeper and deeper into their spiritual life.

- First, between now and December 31, my plan is to re-read "St. Louis de Montfort - The Story of Our Lady's Slave," by Mary Fabyan Windeatt.

Available at Amazon, book and kindle forms: ST LOUIS DE MONTFORT - THE STORY OF OUR LADY'S SLAVE

- Then begins one of six suggested cycles of prayer listed in the companion book, Preparation for Total Consecration according to Saint Louis Marie de Montfort - published by Montfort Publications.

Available at Amazon: PREPARATION FOR TOTAL CONSECRATION

In addition, I recommend that you be sure to make a good confession at least once before you start the actual preparation exercises on December 31. There's not much point in doing it if not in a state of grace.  We want to give to God a bright and shiny spirit, right?

In the front of the second book I mentioned, above, there is a chart of 6 suggested schedules of preparation. I noticed that December 31 is the start of the next one, which dovetails with my typical "New Year" practices. Throughout my life, it has been my habit to celebrate the holiday with prayers and visualizations about how I am going to better myself.  I have never been interested in drinking and carousing, I am not fond of crowds, and the idea of getting on the road for any activity at a time when so many inebriated people are behind the wheel is not something I want to do. Now that I am mostly blind in one eye and I am over 60, my ability to drive at night is impaired anyway.  Definitely not a party girl!

I will be happy to join with you to whatever extent you would like to do that. I've always thought it would have been inspiring to have others involved when I did my consecration.  But it did not work out.  Perhaps now, someone will show up.  You can contact me about this on Facebook or here, in a comment. (Comments are not published automatically.) I read them and only publish them if that is the intention and we both feel it would be helpful to others.

God bless you all!

Silver Rose

                                                                   

FEAST OF ST. MARY MAGDALENE DE PAZZI - CATHOLIC MENTAL PRAYER AND MEDITATION

 

Saint Mary Magdalene de Pazzi

(1566-1607)

Feast Day May 26

Patroness against bodily ills, sexual

temptation, sickness

Patroness of sick people

Mary Magdalene de Pazzi is one of my favorite mystics. In addition to her love of mental prayer, she is the patroness of sick people (among other things) and she was a Carmelite nun.

From a very early age, she was attracted to contemplative prayer, and it was so obvious to everyone who knew her that her mother requested of The Church that she be taught mental prayer that involves lengthy sessions of meditation when she was about 9 years old.

I know what it feels like to be attracted to contemplative life at a young age.  When I was 11, I was living in Carmel Valley, very near the Carmel mission, and I used to cycle over there on my little Schwinn Bicycle and wander through the grounds, visiting the book store and talking to the nice man behind the counter. Occasionally, he would give me little medals and holy cards. I wish I could thank him today, but he has most probably gone to his reward already.

Unlike Mary Margaret's household, there was NO religion in my family. My mother hated religion and particularly hated Catholics. I had a short series of correspondence with the Catholic nuns in Carmel, but my mother put a stop to it when it became obvious that I was very attracted to the life of silence and contemplative prayer, and her hatred for the Catholic Church resulted in her refusal to allow me near it.

"Trials are nothing else but the forge

that purifies the soul of all its

imperfections."

St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi

To this day, I still have a strong feeling for the Carmelites and enjoy the Catholic mental prayer that is the bailiwick of the Carmelite mystics and saints!

We have some writings of this remarkable saint that have endured to this day. Most interesting are the 12 letters in which she continually confirms that the words are not hers, but given to her by God while in an ecstatic state of union with Him.

Franciscan Media defines "mystical ecstasy" as "the elevation of the spirit to God in such a way that the person is aware of this union with God while both internal and external senses are detached from the sensible world." (See their page on Saint Mary Magdalene de Pazzi at THIS LINK)

I have become inspired to learn more about this saint and will be including her in my private studies. If you are at all interested in the lives of the saints, and especially those who practiced mental prayer with some miraculous results, I recommend you do the same!

CATHOLIC MENTAL PRAYER

"There is no greater sign of being dear

to God than suffering joyfully for love

of him."

St. Mary Magdalene de Pazzi

SAME GOAL, DIFFERENT METHOD

I have many years of experience with Buddhist and Hindu (Vedanta style) meditation and, while the goal is substantially the same as the Catholics, the methods differ. Eastern religious traditions generally attempt a type of unitive prayer that quiets the discursive mental processes, while Catholic mental prayer activates it and makes use of our intellect in a targeted fashion. 

We all want to be closer to God, spend time with Him, and be as like Him as is possible. The mystics among us long for the unitive state of oneness with The Lord, whether they are Hindu, Buddhist or Catholic.

THE PROCESS

First, a subject of meditation is decided upon, then we examine ourselves in relation to it, resolving to do better and explore how we may do that, opening ourselves to the action of the Divine within us.

MEDITATION TOPICS

You could meditate on the exquisite glory of Heaven, or a particular holy trait, such as love of neighbor. The "practice of the presence of God" is probably my favorite.

The affections of our spirit are drawn into this process, and the degree of our love for God is made obvious at this point because honest self-examination can be difficult to do without a great deal of love for the Lord. A mature intellect is also essential, which would be unusual for a young girl, but Mary Magdalene de Pazzi was unique in this regard.

PETITIONS

This process naturally leads to prayers of petition for the sake of the world and individuals in particular, depending upon the subject of meditation and any insights that may have been gained during that session of mental prayer.

This type of prayer is the precursor to the unitive prayer and advanced mystical states. It is part of the work that one does to clean oneself up, in a sense, and grow in holiness.

Everyone has their own temperament and abilities when it comes to sitting still and working with the mind. I have always enjoyed it. When I was in the Vedanta convent, my yearly "vacation" was taken at a retreat center where I meditated 6 to 8 hours a day. I found it wonderfully inspiring and healing. Others might go mad.

HUMILITY

We can't approach the throne of God in a dirty, fallen state, unrepentant and lacking in virtue. Mental strength and stamina are necessary to endure the stress of comparing oneself to the Divine attributes. The holy characteristic of humility is one of the blessings of the spiritual practice of mental prayer.

SPENDING TIME WITH GOD

This is how I look at this topic:

When we go to visit a king, we do not appear in rags, unwashed, with our hair tangled and stinking of the world. Right? We clean ourselves up! We take a shower, wash our hair, put on clean clothes and usually bring a little present of some sort - something that shows our regard for the ruler of the land. Mental prayer is the way the soul scrubs itself up.

We cannot be perfect, but we can open ourselves to perfection so that when faced with the All Perfect Being, we are equipped to tolerate that experience without suffering shame. We will ourselves shy away from Him if we have not made any effort to present ourselves in the proper condition.

DO WE WANT GOD?

It seems to me that we decide how close we will be to God.  

Jesus said that if we love Him we will follow his commandments. It follows then that the degree to which we try to do that is the degree to which we love Him. 

But it's not a business arrangement. His arms are open to us all the time He isn't forcing us to come to Him. He gave us free will and is just waiting for us to walk into His open arms. It is up to us if we do it or not.

God doesn't "send" us to Hell either. I am tired of people complaining about the "Christian" God that "sends" people to Hell. Do we gravitate toward Heaven or Hell? That's the key.

Just think about this: It is you who decides where you put your mind. If you incline your mind to God, you will be with Him or at least you will be immersed in thoughts of Him, at first. Eventually, the thoughts move away, like clouds move from in front of the sun.

I have heard many people exclaim that Jesus spent all his time with "sinners" and that they can therefor sin as much as they want, after which they will go to Heaven - easy peasy -  a terribly obvious misrepresentation of his message. The "sinners" that He spent time with were repentant people who regretted their former habits and had resolved to do better, under the sheltering umbrella of Jesus's remarkable forgiveness in a milieu that was rather unforgiving. "Once a sinner, always a sinner" was the prevailing attitude in the culture of the time and place. 

Jesus reversed that by forgiving repentant sinners. But He clearly told the Apostles that if anyone did not entertain His message, they were to kick the sand of that place from their shoes and move on.

Prayer and meditation are steps toward Him.

THE MYSTICAL STATE

The end result of mental prayer and meditation can be spiritual ecstasy. Saints such as Teresa of Avila have written many hundreds of pages on this type of spiritual experience and I don't pretend to replace or emulate it with this simplified version of it, but I DO hope that you are inspired to take it up on a regular basis.

Saint Mary Magdalene de Pazzi enjoyed a special personal relationship with Jesus, enjoying divine conversation with Him as a result of her spiritual disciplines, and she is a wonderful inspiration to anyone interested in contemplative life.

As I mentioned before, a portion of her writings have been preserved and I intend to buy them as soon as I am able. Bob and Penny Lord, well known Catholic film makers, have produced an episode about her, and this is available on Amazon and, I assume, elsewhere.

There is such a wealth of spiritual guides available to us, it is really remarkable that we are not all saints by now. But it will not just hit us, like a lightning bolt, because of some wishful thinking or presumption. It is up to us to prepare ourselves to receive God's grace, to be in a ready state, and glance in His direction.

I hope you take some time to get to know Saint Mary Magdalene de Pazzi and the mental prayers that she practiced. Let me know how it goes and if you need any help locating these resources.

In the meantime, God bless us all.

Silver "Rose"

BLESSED MARIE-ANNE HACHER DU BOIS - At the Mercy of Circumstance - New Years' Resolutions

 

Blessed Marie-Anne Hacher du Bois

being dragged to her death during the French Revolution

The ONE woman on the Catholic calendar of saints for whom November 2 is the feast has almost nothing written about her that I can find on the internet. Imagine this: that you give up your life, to die in an horrific manner, for the sake of your religion, and the Church in which you do this doesn't bother to retain information about your life story.

As usual, the official "Saint of the Day" is Basil "The Great" and there are all sorts of things written about him. Historians might say that more is known about this man than Marie-Anne Hacher du Bois, who was martyred for her faith - but I would contend there is a reason for that as well. Historians are traditionally men, and men ignore the accomplishments and saintliness of women. Yes, I am expressing a broad generalization, but this generalization is far more true than not.

Despite the paucity of information for this female "blessed," I am taking her up anyway. Oddly enough, we have her actual birth date, April 3, 1765, and her death date: February 10, 1794, in Avrille, France. As an expert genealogist, I will tell you that knowing the exact birth date of someone born in the mid 18th century is fairly unusual, with the exception of those born into the royal houses of Europe. As far as I know, this blessed was an ordinary woman of Anjou, France. Some of her "biographies" say she was a laywoman. A few claim her as a nun. In any case, she died during the French Revolution for the sake of her faith.

Whenever I am studying a saintly person from history, I always try to align myself with their circumstances, and in this respect, with this particular woman, I feel like she and I were each caught up in the turmoil of general societal circumstances over which we have no control. In her life, it was the French revolution, and in mine it is a world-wide pandemic and, to a lesser degree, a government that has gone mad in the hands of a wealthy despot.

Spiritual life transcends every other aspect of existence, as far as I am concerned. Those of us who have given ourselves over entirely to our faith must opt to follow the dictates of that faith rather than occupy our hearts and minds with anger toward our circumstances. Most Americans are distracted by the dangers of the "novel" Covid virus and the implied perils and pitfalls of a surprisingly fascist government, but Jesus himself was killed at the hands of misguided government, and his inner peace and sense of mission were not thrown off by it. Other than educating the powers-that-be when they accosted him, he stayed focused on the matters of God.

I am too easily distracted by the failures of everyone else, specifically with regard to orders I place for various survival items. None of the merchants I deal with seem to be able to produce the items they claim they have for sale, but they go ahead and send me SOMETHING ELSE I cannot use. Food prepared or picked by others arrives rotten or unpleasant or otherwise WRONG in some way. This is all complicated by the fact that when I prepare my own meals or make my own supplies, I am unable to clean up after myself, as it requires more standing than I am able to tolerate while washing pots and pans.

As I write this, pots and pans from CHRISTMAS DAY remain in the sink, moldering away. (The nuns of the Vedanta Convent could tell you about my messy cooking habits, which have not changed. They would always ask me plaintively, "can't you wash your OWN pots and pans?" I could not. Standing on my crumbling bones to cook the meal for a dozen women was all I could manage because, even though I was only in my mid-30's, the arthritis I inherited from my mother's side of the family had already taken hold and was eating away at my bones and joints. Thank God I was a fairly good cook.)

I COULD have an attendant come to help me from the agency. Medicaid will pay for it. But it is far too dangerous to have someone come into my house when there is a deadly pandemic virus coursing through the population. The world and everyone in it has become dangerous.

These pressures have taken their toll on my mood. I have become irritated far too easily - and this corresponds with my failure to discipline myself better with my meditation routine. Like many elderly disabled people who suffer constant pain, I am having trouble sleeping, and it is throwing me off my schedule. This has been going on for a very long time, and whenever I push myself very hard to adjust my sleep, I not only fail to do what I aim to do but I also have an even greater difficulty restraining the irritation.

It has become obvious that two things are now necessary. I need to give up many of my "do it yourself" decisions and habits. I can no longer "do it myself" no matter how hard I try. My body has retaliated against me.

As was once suggested to me by a very spiritually advanced priest, I need to use the many painful circumstances of my life to push me closer to the Divine, and this is, indeed, the job of the mystic.

For instance, since I am determined to simplify while at the same time eating very healthy, I can also develop a type of ascetic eating habit that involves as much raw fruit and veg as possible. To some degree, some of my food has to be prepared by others, so I have decided to try a food delivery service called DAILY HARVEST, which is rather expensive and will really cut into my food supplies. Therefore, I will also use this as an opportunity to lose more weight - though perhaps in a faster mode than previously. Mostly, I have ordered some frozen fruits and veg that, combined with some soy milk in the blender, will be a nutritious breakfast. They ship it to you in dry ice, after the fresh fruit and veg have been frozen "at the farm." We shall see.

Secondly, I need to work on my decision to avoid complaining.  To qualify that term, I would say that reporting what has happened is not the same thing as complaining. Frankly, I have found that for poor people, most news is "bad" news. Nearly every saint I have studied had a life liberally peppered with unfortunate circumstances. It is how you greet your circumstances that is the key. Everyone has to decide for themselves what this means, but I think that desiring too much sympathy may be a warning sign, at times. But mostly, I would say that one's mood is the real indicator.

Now - what if you have what is called a "mood disorder?" I am not a psychiatrist and I don't have a mood disorder myself, so I can't say. I do have a big case of PTSD, dating back to childhood, and this comes with its own baggage, but my personal experience is that the decision to manage it is the tell-tale indicator of whether or not one is complaining or simply reporting the daily goings on of life.

The most important signal to watch for, I would imagine, is whether or not one remains curious about the welfare of OTHERS. If you lose track of the needs and circumstances of other humans and remain focused on your own disappointments, selfishness has taken hold.

As with all spiritual disciplines, it is not one's success in overcoming all these obstacles that is the most important thing. It is our aspiration and our attempts that matter. What do we intend to do? How sincerely do we work at it?

One thing I particularly love about New Year's observances is the tradition of committing to New Years "resolutions." Everything I have talked about in this post pertains to my New Year's resolutions for 2021. As usual, it all centers around my spiritual disciplines.

I would love to hear your resolutions for this new year. Take a minute to write me and let me know.

In the meantime, may God bless us all.

Silver Rose