SAINT PAUL OF THEBES, THE FIRST HERMIT - JANUARY 15

 

Saint Paul receiving bread from the raven

that was purported to keep him alive to

be more than 100 years old

In a couple weeks, I will be celebrating my 20th anniversary as an urban hermit, so the topic is on my mind.

You know, I am always fascinated to read about the lives of these saints who were hermits, and there are quite a few of them in recorded history.

Paul is considered the first Christian hermit. We know about him because Saint Jerome wrote about him and Saint Anthony the Great, who had a connection later in life.  Paul is said to have lived to be more than 113 years old, kept alive by a raven that brought him half a loaf of bread every evening. I don't know what to say about that. I don't think I could be kept alive by only half a loaf of bread every night!

Paul did not initially intend to become a hermit. His brother-in-law wanted to grab his inheritance, so he was about to report Paul to the authorities for being a Christian. Paul went out into the desert to escape being imprisoned and killed but he eventually realized that hermit life suited him.

Obviously, he could not benefit from his inheritance ANYWAY, living in the desert like that, so it appears that he was not that attached to money to begin with, and his brother-in-law needn't have conspired to rob him of it. I find it interesting that I was also robbed of my inheritance and, although I was originally distressed about the injustice of it, considering the level of my needs as a result of my numerous disabilities, I have come to see that it might have turned out to be a curse, if I had not been written out of my father's will after he got Alzheimer's. I would likely have been hounded by people who were intent on grabbing what they could. Money is not the solution some people imagine it to be.  

I DO wish I wasn't a burden on friends, though. That is the one regret. On the flip side, I believe that The Lord has personally sent these kind people to me as his emissaries of love.

The person who robbed the inheritance will have to pay the price instead of me, I suspect. Anyway, the lack of the inheritance provides more opportunity for suffering that I may then offer to the Lord, and I should be grateful for the grace to endure it. I know it sounds backward to some people, but suffering is a type of spiritual currency. It is just ONE of the many ways that God brings all things to the good for those who believe.

Hermits, though they live alone, are normal human beings. They do have friends, but the nature of the relationships are not frequent or typical. Saint Paul became friends with Saint Anthony the Great during two days in Paul's 113th year!

Saint Anthony the Great and Saint

Paul of Thebes, the first hermit

Anthony and Paul only spent a day and a half together, and the next time Anthony went to see him, Paul was dead. There is a charming myth that two lions helped Saint Anthony dig Paul's grave.

I would have loved to have heard the conversation between those two holy men. I can only imagine!

There have been times, when considering my hermit life, that I have thought I should give it up because I am "doing it" imperfectly, but except for the rare moment of loneliness, I still feel that this life suits me, even if I am not a saint thereby. It is good for the ego for a person not to be too "successful," especially a religious person, it seems to me.

So I will slog along in my pathetic representation of a religious hermit, do the best I can, and be grateful for it all. When I celebrate my anniversary on February 3rd, I will be suitably humble before God.

The lives of the hermit saints bear little, if any resemblance to my life, but then the life of the typical resident of Thebes at that time looks nothing like the typical American in 2023! In addition to the differences connected with living a modern life, my numerous and growing disabilities also interfere with the aceticism one would usually expect from a hermit, so I do the best I can. The constant chronic pain is my offering and may be a more painful sacrifice to give than the more austere lives of these early saints. We all do the best we can within the conditions that are provided and the parameters of our own abilities.

Don't get me wrong. I have given it a lot of thought and wondered if I "should" give up the idea of the hermit life, but, although my religious practice is not perfect and, in some superficial ways, I appear to be a fairly typical senior lady of my time and place, I have no strong desire to have any other kind of life goal. I kept trying to see myself doing anything other than what I do now, and I just could not rustle up the interest! If I had wanted a more "normal" life, such as the other women I know, I surely would have tried for it long before my 20 year anniversary, don't you think?

Whatever defects remain in my daily practice must be battled and subdued, if possible, but in any case I will not give up the goal of gaining a more perfect union with The Lord through giving myself to Him alone, even if I fail in the attempt.  Please wish me the best and pray for me.

In the meantime, if you are interested in Saint Paul of Thebes, the First Hermit, and his contemporaries, or you are curious about early hermit life and lore, please take a look at the following links:

CATHOLIC.ORG

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT PAUL

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT JEROME

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT ANTHONY THE GREAT

WIKIPEDIA.ORG - SAINT ATHANASIUS

At some point, I believe that, such as with Anthony and Paul,  I would also like to develop a friendship with at lease one other hermit - especially an urban hermit. We have much to share with one another, I think - especially after 20 years of doing this. I also wonder if it would be a good idea to find a regular confessor, especially now that Covid is not as much of a problem as it was - but I suspect that I may wait another year before risking spending too much time outside the hermitage. God will bring what He wants for me.

I hope you will all pray for me, as I pray for you.

God bless and keep you!

Silver Rose

HOLY POVERTY DOES NOT WORK FOR DISABLED PEOPLE

 

PACKING TAPE COVERS THE HOLE THE

THIEVES LEFT WHERE THE WINDOW USED

TO BE

"Holy poverty" is something one learns to live with and, for the most part, I have adjusted to the limitations, but it would be a lot easier if I was not also variously disabled.

I have lived alone as a disabled urban religious for the last 20 years, surviving on my Social Security retirement income that I accumulated over more than 30 years of working as a secretary and office manager, something I did between stints in a Hindu convent. I also wrote for television in my early 20's, but the environment did not suit me and I left it behind.

Throughout my working life, I was battling poor health, mostly from what I now know to be inherited arthritic conditions, until I finally could not work any more and I had to stop. (In addition, I was suffering from long-term complex PTSD from several near-death and violent experiences, on top of Asberger's syndrome.)

My life has never been easy, but I have offered it up for the glory of God and, while I am happy to do that, it is still necessary to SURVIVE, something that is very difficult to do if one is disabled, mobility challenged, and does not have close family.

For some years after becoming disabled, I anticipated the inheritance my father had willed to me, but after he got Alzheimer's, someone took him to an attorney friend of theirs who did not know him, instead of the attorney he had used for decades who knew me, and that third person had me written  out of my father's will in favor of herself and her relatives. Shortly thereafter, he died under very suspicious circumstances. 

I was not notified that my father had died until after his body had been cremated. Shortly thereafter, the man who signed my father's death certificate went to prison for writing bogus prescriptions for people he had never seen. It is fairly obvious what happened here.  

I was even conned by another estranged relative who called me out of the blue and promised to get my inheritance back for me, but it turned out to be a conspiracy on top of a con job so that I could be pushed aside in favor of HER. That was more than a decade ago. There was nothing I could do to right these injustices. I had to acknowledge that I am too trusting and not nearly as clever as these people who were willing to lie, cheat, steal, and more, in order to grab money.  I had to just bless them and release them, knowing that The Lord will deal with them in His own way and I had to just move on.

A painting I did of our Blessed

Mother and Baby Jesus

Ever since that time, I have tried to supplement my retirement income by working at several types of crafts to sell, but without help to market and sell these things, I was unable to do it. One woman from church offered to sell things at a table during one of our church events, then she backed out after I had made a large supply of silver earrings because she realized she had misinformed me about the type of craft items that were allowed to be sold. A local store agreed to see my work, but when I finished producing the line to show her and/or sell, she backed out because she had gotten an influx of "vendors" into her shop and she did not even want to see what I had made for her! She had "too much stock." Recently, a very good friend generously offered to share her yearly craft table at a local fair, and I prepared a large number of things for it, but the day before the craft fair, her husband came down with Covid, and of course the whole project had to be scrapped. Between the tools and supplies, I had spent a good deal of money  - all for naught. I gave up on those projects and am donating everything to charity.

There are two creative projects left, both of which have generated some income for me in the past. One is a set of paintings I have designed, along with hand-made matching frames,  and the other is a novel I have been struggling to write. I was unsure if The Lord was wanting me to continue to strive forward with these, so I asked him recently, "Lord, please tell me if you want me to give up the creative projects and just devote myself to prayer alone" and within a minute, I had my answer. He gave me the introductory scenes and the denouement of a novel that had eluded me for two years! It was as if he handed me the entire project timeline from Heaven!  He just laid it on me in one fell swoop! My own personal miracle. I still have to write it, mind you, but He gave me those essential plot points that I've needed for so very long. Thanks be to God!

"Lady of the Stars"

watercolor I painted

The really wonderful thing is that the novel has an underlying spiritual dimension that could speak to nearly everyone. The story is realistic without being negative, uplifting without being saccharine. I will continue to work on it and hope to finish it this year.

IN THE MEANTIME, the recent upsurge in prices at the market, as well as incredibly expensive heating bills over the fall and winter, have left me absolutely "skint," as my British friends would say. Combine this with the deficit created by the money spent on the creative projects I was not able to sell, and you have a real disaster waiting to happen. I was robbing Peter to pay Paul, all the while hoping to somehow catch up.

That disaster happened today, when I had one more emergency than I was prepared to handle. My car's battery has died for the last time. It is not holding a charge. The battery was failing, and the recent freezing weather killed it. It is almost 30 years old, however, so I am grateful it lasted as long as it has!

To make it even more pathetic, the

car also has a flat front tire.

Batteries, along with everything else, have increased dramatically in price. The last time I had to buy a battery, it was $30. Now they are, at minimum, about $140. That does not include the labor to install them.

In addition, the back passenger window is still missing, the hole covered with tape. The front driver's window is permanently in the "closed" position because the mechanism broke some time ago and we did not generate enough money to fix it properly, so a friend of a friend opened up the door panel and tied the window in place. Now, whenever faced with a drive-through of any sort, I have to open the entire door. This is not a SAFE arrangement, but it will cost about $500 to install a working mechanism to lift the window up and down.

I am forced to create a GOFUNDME campaign to get the car worked on. I could actually use a couple thousand dollars to fix everything that is wrong with it, but I thought it better to ask for as little as possible, thinking it may encourage folks to donate, if it does not look like an impossible goal. I am actually hoping for more than we've asked for, but at the very LEAST would like to get a new or reconditioned battery.

I realize that my situation my not seem pathetic enough to some, but my survival actually depends on getting some help. I have done everything I can to help myself, to no avail, and I hope that my readers may find it in their hearts to contribute.

You can find my GO FUND ME CAMPAIGN HERE.

If you are unable to contribute, I ask that you to pray for me.

God bless us all

SAINT WALTHEOF OF MELROSE, my great uncle, August 3, 2022

 

Saint Waltheol de Lis, Abbot

Second Abbot of Melrose Abbey

b. abt 1100 - d. 3 Aug. 1159

Saint Waltheol's mother was my 28th great grandmother, Maud (Matilda) of Northumberland, but not through my grandfather, David I, King of Scotland. Instead, his father was her other husband, Simon de St. Liz, so my relationship with Saint Waltheol is a bit more complex than is typical. I know it seems like I am related to every Saint in the calendar, but I assure you that it is not unusual because once you are descended from certain key figures in one of the noble houses of Europe, you are descended from or cousin to the whole lot of them, due to intermarriage. Many Americans are descended from these folks. In fact, a dear friend on the other side of town is a cousin of mine who is related to and/or descended from many of the same people I talk about in my blog. They are our family.

Why does it give me such joy to know that so many of my ancestors and other relatives are saints? Frankly, it increases my hope of Heaven. It is wonderful to know that I have family members in Heaven who can intercede for me before the throne of God. Yes, I can speak for myself and commune with the Lord in my meditations, but I feel like I can use all the help I can get, and because I am descended from these folks, it gives me a feeling of family that I do not have on earth. My natal family was always extremely small, and most have died. .  

Saint David I, King of Scotland

my 38th Great Grandfather

Saint Waltheof's Step-father

As a member of the nobility, Waltheol would have received that sort of education that would prepare him for that version of government that existed at the time, but he ended up as a monastic, which would not have been considered terribly unusual for at least one son to be given to the vowed life, usually in a monastery or at least for some time in a hermitage. Holy orders as a priest would sometimes follow. Sometimes, as in Waltheof's case, their royal connections would result in a quick climb up the administrative ladder of the church. 

First, he was an Augustinian Canon at Nostrell Abbey. Shortly thereafter, he became Prior of Kirkham in North Yorkshire. He was nominated to be the successor to Thurstan, Archbishop of York, when Thurston died in 1140, but because Waltheof was the step-son of King David I of Scotland (ALSO made a saint after death and was my 38th Great Grandfather) it was suggested that he may have had an allegiance that might have interfered with other people's plans for whoever became Thurstan's successor, so his nomination to the post failed.

(I suspect that there was one other thing that was actually more to blame for his losing the post to someone else. Waltheof had demonstrated real grit and an independent spirit when he had refused to agree to give the ecclesiastical manor of Sherburn-in-Elmet in the West Riding of Yorkshire to William of Aumale (my 2nd cousin, 26 times removed) who supported his nomination. I would like to think that my saintly relative refused to do this because it was wrong, rather than out of some selfish reason. It represented a very large and prestigious piece of territory, with a substantial church.)

The manor house was called "Athelstan's Palace" but I was unable to find any photos or illustrations of it. Apparently, it is in ruins. I don't know what, if anything, is left of it.

When trying to find a photograph of the manor, I DID find some photographs of the gorgeous church that belongs to it and lays nearby (All Saints.)  It exists today and has been in that smallish town for at least 1000 years and has a rich history. The church was meant to be the religious seat of a much larger area than is obvious at this time, which accounts for its sumptuousness. The first king of England, Athelstan (my 31st great granduncle), gave the manors of Sherburn and Cawood to the Archbishop of York in 938, when he defeated the Danes at Brunanburg. This would be a conqueror's thanks to God, in the form of an offering of a portion of the lands involved.

All Saints Church

Sherburn-in-Elmet

SEE this pamphlet that gives the history of All Saints

(Saint) William Fitz-Herbert ended up with the archbishopric, instead of Waltheof. Saint William Fitz-Herbert of York is my 1st cousin, 25 times removed. In case you are wondering what that means, exactly, it means that he is my first cousin, but 25 generations backwards in time. His father, Herbert of Winchester, is my 28th Great Grandfather. Thank God Ancestry figures this out for me automatically because I could never do it myself!

After Waltheol's nomination for the Archbishopric failed, he gave up on climbing the ecclesiastical ladder and became a Cistercian monk. (Cistercian's are contemplatives.) First, he went to Wardon Abbey, and then to Rievaulx. Melrose Abbey is a daughter house of Rievaulx, and he was elected as its abbot in 1148, a position he kept for the rest of his life.  Melrose Abbey, in Scotland, was founded by Saint David I, King of Scotland, (my 28th great grandfather and Waltheof's step-father.)

During his tenure at Melrose, he was offered a bishopric (St. Andrews) but he declined, and I wonder if his time with the contemplatives had adjusted his thinking about the direction and tenor of his life which had, in the beginning, looked like it may have at least partially been driven by the pursuit of position and power.

Saint Waltheof died at Melrose on August 3, 1159.

Melrose Abbey

After a few years of one abbot attempting to suppress the growing interest in the saintliness of Waltheof by the locals, a subsequent abbot went "all in" and the tomb of my cousin was opened by Enguerrand, the Bishop of Glasgow, in the presence of 4 abbots, twelve years after Walthof's death.  Waltheof's body and vestments remained intact - one of the miracles sometimes seen with the dead saints. I have a book at home about "The Incorruptibles." These folks are seen to be so pure that even their bodies won't rot after death.

When thinking about his life, it occurs to me that a person's saintliness only comes into clear focus after they have died and we have nothing left but their earthly remains and a few chicken scratches in whatever publication memorializes their time on earth. Waltheof's life, especially in the beginning of his monastic "career," did not appear to be particularly saintly, yet when the tomb was opened, the secret was exposed in a definitive way. Bodies do not naturally remain fresh and preserved years after death.

There were hints, of course. He could have opted for the power and prestige of life at court, at the outset, since he was born of a noble family and all sorts of positions could have been available to him. His step-father was king of Scotland, after all. But he chose a religious profession and, even though he pursued, for a time, a succession of ecclesiastical promotions, in the end he opted for the secluded life of a monk in a contemplative institution.

Of course, there were some miracles. One of the tales about the miracles of Saint Waltheof concerns a summer day, when Waltheof was visiting Rievaulx after their main meal of the day. All the monks were retired to the dormitory for the afternoon rest period, and Waltheof, who had stayed late in the church to pray, and not wanting to disturb them by arriving to the dormitory after they had already started their rest, tried to sleep in the cloister instead. It wasn't comfortable. He was probably very hot, so he decided to pray instead of nap, and he was visited by a monk who shone with "a glorious light, and his garments were resplendent with Jewels, and on his head there was a brilliant crown," (quoted portion from Thomas Merton's book.)

Following this miraculous being was a sparkling assemblage of followers who shone as brightly and richly as did their leader, who turned out to be the first abbot of Melrose. The rest were that abbot's spiritual children, monks and brothers who had passed on. Each jewel that decorated these holy souls represented someone who these monks and brothers had saved with the words or examples of their holy life.

Personally, I believe that these miracles are only possible for someone living an intensely holy life.

The story proceeds on from there, but this is the place in the narrative that gives us the point I think is most necessary right now. Aside from finding their body incorrupt, the thing that really reveals the holiness of a person is how they inspire others to likewise live holy lives.

The thing about contemplative life is that it is all "an inside job," in that it is a work that is almost invisible. You don't get rewards and money for a job well done in that field, do you? We have these ideas of how a saint may speak and behave, but plenty of scammers have been known to fake these things in order to manipulate others. I have met a few in my life alone! 

Saint Waltheof was said to be endlessly kind to the poor, very gentle in his handling of the monks in his care, modest and humble, and supposedly cured one man of blindness, which is the one rare spectacular feat I was able to find in his life. Of course, that one appeals to me, since I am mostly blind in my left eye and I am in the midst of fighting the disease that is threatening to blind me completely by taking my right eye as well! Today, I pray to my Saintly cousin for his help in this regard.

Some people close to Waltheof were convinced of his saintliness, but it seems to me that in order to recognize the holiness of another person, it is often necessary to oneself have a portion of that holiness in one's own soul! "It takes one to know one," is a cliche that is very true in this sphere of life. The suspicion of  holiness is sometimes confirmed when the body is found to be incorrupt, while it can typically only be telegraphed and guessed at while the person still lives.

Meanwhile, there are plenty of easily duped people who follow charlatans that are obviously deceitful con artists, yet the gullible devotees will swear up one side and down the other that the object of their devotion is practically the "second coming!" We see this in all arenas, from religious, to government, to families. The thing that gives this away, in my observation, is that the followers of charlatans do not typically adopt a more holy life. Instead, their selfishness and ego increase. Sometimes, they even take joy in the misfortune of others. We just need to pay attention and ask ourselves if our spiritual mentors inspire us to love our neighbor and pray for our enemies, feed the hungry, clothe the naked and visit the prisoner, as Jesus asked us to do.

Do your friends inspire you to a holy life? Or do you keep people around because they make you laugh or they make you feel good about yourself? Do you make friends with people who are honest and kind, or is it more important to you that they be in a particular socio-economic class? I really think this topic is worth giving some thought.

As usual, may we all be blessed!

Silver Rose

P.S. All of the blog posts I write are independently researched and written by me and all of them are protected by legal copyright, so please just enjoy them here and leave them here where you found them and do not copy any of it to any other place for any purpose, as that would be against the law, and I will pursue my rights in this regard.

(c) Copyright 2022, Silver S. Parnell

All rights reserved.

SAINT OLGA OF KYIV - MY 34TH GREAT GRANDMOTHER - JULY 11, 2022

 

Saint Olga

"Equal to the Apostles"

July 11th

Patron Saint of Widows and Converts

My 34th Great Grandmother

Patron saint of converts

As as convert, I would naturally have an affinity for this saint, but knowing that she is ALSO my 34th great grandmother makes me very happy! I hope that I have inherited from her DNA some of the strength and one-pointedness that she exhibited in her life, as well as the willingness to turn a corner in life and to CHANGE - to become BETTER - and to aspire to something higher and finer. I ALSO hope that, as my loving great grandmother, she is interceding for me at the throne of God, pleading with Him to help me along on my spiritual path, and that when I speak to her in prayer, she listens to me and is present with me in the many trials I endure.

She is, in fact, one of several saints from whom I descend, including Saint Margaret of Scotland, an English Plantagenet princess who had intended to become a nun, but who was pursued by the king of Scotland when her ship went aground on his land, something that changed her destiny forever. There are several saints I've studied who had initially planned to become a monastic, but their life path made it impossible, yet that strong impulse toward the Lord remained a feature in their lives, even when their plans were thwarted.

Catholicism was in my genes, if not my household

I think back to when I was 11, and I was first enthralled with stories of the lives of the contemplative Carmelite nuns with whom I was corresponding. I had wanted to be one of them - but the only problem is that my parents hated religion, and hated the Catholic church, in particular, and they forbade me from communicating with those lovely nuns or becoming one of them. They were not even Christian. It was not possible.

Yet I am sure the Lord knew all this before it happened because I was born with a number of creative gifts that appeared when I was very young, because by the time I discovered the Carmelites, I was already painting oil paints, making beaded jewelry, and writing haiku poems. All of these things, I find myself doing in my current life circumstances. We all have some kind of work we are called to do, and I was given the gift of ART AND WRITING as mine.

Every monastic institution has a certain amount of work that the residents do to support themselves, as well as a certain amount of recreation. Those of us disabled and/or senior ladies who seek to emulate the monastic routines can easily follow along those lines. It does not LOOK the same as the lovely nuns with their obvious costumes, living in the institutions that communicate the life of the spirit in their very walls - but looks are not everything - and I want to encourage all of my far-flung sisters in spirit not to become dismayed by appearances and the limitations of trying to live a monastic life surrounded by secular nonsense, because what matters is what goes on within your souls.  You know that, of course, but I want to remind you and support you.  You can live a life in union with the Divine, but by necessity, each of you will express it in your own unique way.

The religion of unlimited "do-overs"

Another thing I love to keep in mind is that the religion of Jesus the Christ is the religion of perpetual "second chances." The process of stumbling, repenting, confessing, getting absolution, and then rising again, is unlimited in this faith. It is a religion of constant encouragement for Our Father who Art in Heaven! We are never doomed forever. Babies stumble and fall while Father encourages us to walk to Him and fall, instead, into his arms.

Saint Olga, before becoming Christian, was a wicked woman. In retaliation for the murder of her husband, King Igor, by the Drevlians, she embarked upon her campaign of revenge with cold fury and incredibly treacherous and cruel chicanery, killing most of those people and reducing the demoralized remnant to an enslaved population.

Rather than reinvent the wheel, I will give you this link to some of my sources for information about my great grandmother, and you can read about her more in depth.

Articles about Saint Olga

WIKIPEDIA

BRITANNICA

ORTHODOX WIKI

NATIONAL CATHOLIC REGISTER

CATHOLIC ONLINE

So complete was her conversion and subsequent efforts to Christianize Kievan Rus, that the Eastern Churches have named her "Equal to the Apostles,: which is a rare appellation. If SHE could turn herself around so thoroughly, there is certainly hope for each one of us, no matter how far behind we lag in our spiritual advancement.

One thing in particular that I find inspiring about her is that she was the first female leader of what is now partially considered Russia. Some of her lands were Ukraine. To dedicate oneself to God while in control of vast wealth and power is a stunning achievement of personal will and determination. It tells me that her conversion was very real and that her devotion to the faith changed her from the inside out.

When you have as much power as she did, the temptation to succumb to selfish and dictatorial behavior is intense. That woman must have had some grit, don't you think? Of course, she was of Viking heritage.

I ask for the intercession of this strong and powerful queen and saint who was brave enough to seek forgiveness for incredible crimes against the people. I pray that she advocates for me at the foot of the throne of our Lord.

Also, I pray that some of the strength of her particular DNA has been communicated to me so that I can pull myself out of this tailspin I am in because the last 12 years have stripped me of every ounce of reserves that I possess.

Personal emergencies

This has been an incredibly difficult few weeks for me. The physical struggles and constant pain have worn me down. The financial difficulties add more stress, but I hasten to point out that every disabled senior lady is probably dealing with much of the same problems.

A couple days ago, while driving in my 28 year-old car to an errand, I heard and felt a loud THWACK against the driver's door. I thought someone had thrown something at the car or that an errant golf ball had found its way to me, but after I visited the drive-through ATM and then tried to roll up the window, it would not budge. The loud noise I had heard was the spontaneous breakage of the mechanism inside the car door.

I absolutely must get the car fixed

I do have groceries delivered, when possible, but this is extremely expensive. Between the membership monthly fee, the service fee, and the tip for the shopper/delivery person, I am now running out of food money before the end of the month. Aggravating this situation is the fact that we are ALL suffering through an enormous uptick in the cost of groceries, due to all sorts of factors, mostly having to do with Covid pandemic.

I am not able to use public transport

Most important to understand is that I am not able to use public transport. This is something that the uninitiated ALWAYS offer as the "obvious" solution - but I absolutely cannot do that. It is physically impossible for me - for many reasons. 

We do have senior buses that are sometimes available, but I am unable to use these also - not only because of the bumpy ride that throws out my back, but also because I am unable to stand for any length of time WAITING for the bus when it comes to pick me up. They tell you that you must be prepared to stand from 15 minutes BEFORE the pickup time until 15 minutes AFTER the pickup time. That is 1/2 hour of standing. I am lucky to stand for 5....ESPECIALLY if I am on an errand and have to stand inside an office or walk the aisles during a short shopping trip. I always need to have a car "at the ready" for when my body gives out.

Catholic Charities Transportation Department is very limited

I do have people to drive me to some of my doctor appointments but there are a lot of different sorts of errands, such as taking the service dog to the vet or the groomer, that Catholic Charities will not do.  

In addition, their Transportation Department rigidly require a full weeks' notice of any errand and there are only a few types of trips they will do. Furthermore - they will not STAY with you while you do your errand. You have to call them to come and pick you up, and you run the risk of waiting for a really long time.

Cheaper to repair than to buy new

As a friend pointed out to me, it is always cheaper to repair the old car, until parts can no longer be found for it, and since Toyotas are fairly plentiful in the U.S., we SHOULD be able to get it repaired - but this repair is only the latest, albeit the most urgent repair that must be done. There is an entire list. 

A vehicle that could carry my mobility scooter would be the best option

A Toyota Rav 4, with an electronic scooter carrying on the back, would work for me, but what would probably be the best is a van in which I can drive up the electric mobility scooter into the belly, so that I can be independent and go anywhere without having to cajole someone into driving me and carrying a walker with us. 

Since it now appears that my right eye is holding strong at 20/25 vision, and since my retina specialist says there is no problem with driving, especially during the day, I do want to try to get that van, when possible, or at least the Toyota Rav 4, but I don't even have the money for the repairs to the OLD car, what to speak of something new! But someday in future, if I manage to sell my novel and it does well, then these are the plans I have.  In the meantime:

Social Security Retirement Income barely covers survival mode

I loathe having to beg for help, but the novel proceeds very slowly, and the proposed new jewelry making "side hustle" is faltering a bit, since even the most ordinary beads and equipment are becoming hugely more expensive, more and more, every day. Decades ago, when I first learned how to make jewelry, the ingredients were affordable and a great way to start a small business. No more! In order to get any discount, one has to buy in huge quantity. The startup costs are enormous.

In addition, because I am disabled, I will have to do the majority of my sales and delivery of merchandise THROUGH THE MAIL, which has also gotten extremely expensive. Obviously, I would need a car to get the merchandise to the post office on those days when I am unable to put the parcel through the very small slot in the mailbox here at the apartment complex or arrange for a pickup by the mailman. Mailing it from my location also eliminates the possibility of providing a tracking number, which seems rather essential these days, with all the shipping snafus. There is a way to do that from home, of course, but that requires that you have a working printer to print postage, but the ink cartridges are so expensive I have not had one since the original half cartridge that came with my small printer wore out.

These are the sort of petty details that can drive one mad.

There is a small store in town that may take some of my things, but anytime you introduce a middle-man, you run the risk of making no profit at all because their conditions make it so that most or nearly all profit goes to them as the seller. If they buy the items outright, they only give you 50% of the final sale price, but the maker absorbs ALL the costs of the merchandise.

As an "artist," making one-of-a-kind jewelry, rosaries and wall art, I have a chance of turning a profit at someone else's store that a friend of mine has introduced me to. They sell some items in their small store/gallery - and on the weekends they go to a large craft/art fair with some of their wares. Small jewelry items that are affordable for the general population have to be dealt with in the manner described above. Up til now, I've taken my startup costs from a refund that I received (long story) that was money I had not counted on having. A few hundred dollars.

I have sold my paintings in the past and will also be producing some of those, God willing. FRAMING the paintings is a big expense that I will try to deal with by making my own. I am still designing that part in my head. Even if I make my own, there will be an expense.

Some day, I plan to get a gallery to handle the more expensive items, but I stand the best chance for the less expensive items if I get a business up and running on Facebook. Many people are doing it these days.

One could legitimately ask why don't I just forget all this and molder away in my apartment 'as is," praying the day away. After all, I am old, and how many more years do I have? Also, there is the fact that I've already lost the vision in one eye and may lose the vision in another. Why not just GIVE UP like so many others do in their retirement?

All I can say is that no one can tell me how long I will live, and as far as I can see, it could be DECADES more. I do not want to deliberately organize my life so that other people will be forced to care for me to a greater and greater degree. I have no family to speak of and there is NO SAFTEY NET. Plus, I still have an active mind and it is not my temperament to just sit and wait for death. I must at least TRY to make a success of things so that I do not presume on the generosity of others. It is not fair to them.

Between the prayer schedule, physical household tasks, writing the novel and making the art projects, my life is jam packed and, if I do not think too much about the razor's edge on which I walk, it is a happy life. But this week, the razor is a bit too sharp for me, and I've had the weepies for a few days. I am stressed and have been crying on the shoulders of friends - something that has not been characteristic of me during my life, but everyone has their breaking point.

I will have to get some help

I am contemplating another GOFUNDME campaign to get the car fixed and get some more tools to sell the art and jewelry. My independent temperament finds this VERY hard - to have to resort to this. I have been self-supporting my entire life. I never received financial help from family. 

Though my father was wealthy, he was a selfish man, and the one time I asked him for help in my early 20's, he screamed at me, "I don't owe you ANYTHING!" At the same time, he lied to his wife that he was giving me money so that he could hide the fact that he was spending a lot on other women and hotel bills for his many and frequent assignations. It is no wonder that he died under such suspicious circumstances. The wages of sin. 

One sociopathic family member did offer to help me, on two occasions, but both involved schemes to rob me of whatever minimal amount of money and dignity I had left. So there has never been a safety net. I have always walked the tight rope over a pit of ravening wolves.

Anyway, when one's family is so egocentric they won't throw a cup of water on you if you're on fire, it teaches you not to rely on humans, and I spent my previous working life in that mode, so that now, when I simply must ask for help, it is an extremely uncomfortable thing to do. Combine my experiences outlined above with my autonomous temperament and disability and you have a recipe for an extremely stressful situation. I am sure I am learning from it, though. It is chastening me and providing plenty of opportunity to learn humility through forced and constant humiliations.

I do have a handful of remarkable Catholic friends that have been very helpful - but they can't do EVERYTHING....especially when it involves car repairs that I estimate will cost between 1 and 2 thousand dollars. Everything has its limit and, as one person pointed out to me the other day, it really is too bad that I come from such an awful family because they have cohesive families that require their attention, and I am not part of that group. While I always advocate for a more family-friendly government in my country, I wish, at the same time, that more thought was given to the many many seniors who come from very small or miserly and despicable families. I see these people all the time. They are the invisible older folks that walk their remaining years alone.

The other day, a very old man came wandering into the apartment complex, on foot, with a wooden walking stick. He was looking for the office and was saying that he had to move out of his place the very next day. I didn't quiz him. I was walking my little service dog with a good friend of mine who had come to visit. I urged the man to ask about the waiting list and about the low-income program. I am still worrying about the poor old guy and sending up prayers for him. Unlike me, he is able to walk with no problem, it seems, but he is obviously in extremis and there is little real help for someone in emergencies at that age. When one is younger, it is easier to find shelter.

On the other hand, there is that wonderful passage that I have found so helpful for so many years:

"For my father and my mother have left me,

but the Lord hath taken me up."

Psalm 27:10

We are never really alone. Even for those of us for whom our parents were absent, even when in the same room, when parents have not behaved as parents, the moment they abandon us, even if we are babies or toddlers or teens, the Lord takes us up at that time - and He is the best parent of all.

A matter of urgency

I live in a crime-ridden neighborhood. I can't keep my car in the garage all the time because unless I move it, I can't use my mobility scooter or my walker. I can't get them out of the garage because it is too tight a squeeze. I have no room for them in the house.

The garage also houses the trash and I cannot move it out of there without also removing the car. Meanwhile, this is the land of the giant cockroach and enormous black widow spiders. I have had no one to help me tidy up the trash area or the garage - and God only knows what will crawl into my car while it sits there with no window all night!

The small triangular window in to the back seat is also missing from a night when I forgot to move the car into the garage and hoodlums broke in and stole EVERYTHING, including the service dog's car seat! (I thought that was particularly mean.)

The list of work that needs doing:

Fix the mechanical mechanism inside the door that raises the window.

Replace the back little window piece.

Replace the catalytic converter

The turn signals do not work.

The power steering has not really worked for some time, although we jerry rigged a partial solution some years ago, and it hurts my arms and shoulders any time I have to do much of a turn.

The brakes have not been examined in YEARS.

The fluids should probably be checked.

The tires are low in air.

I am estimating that I will need $2,000. It could be more, if I can't find someone to do it "on the cheap," but once I have the $2,000 I can start, at least. It sounds like a lot, but it is a heck of a lot cheaper than buying a new car, so what choice do I have?

I have reached out to a couple people in search of someone to do repairs "on the cheap," but so far no luck. It's just as well, however, because when I have done that in the past, it has not worked out well. It is best to pay for a legitimate mechanic/repair person and get the job done right the first time.

I will start working on the GOFUNDME

In the meantime, if you are able to donate to the car repair project, I would be most grateful. You could use the DONATION button ABOVE RIGHT, UNDER MY PHOTO. It is a bit rusty, as no one has contributed in more than a year, but Paypal is reliable.

If you have any questions, you can certainly contact me on Facebook at:

THIS FACEBOOK LINK

Just send me a message there, and I will try to be routinely available for chatting most of the time.

I hope ya'll are having a better week than I am at this point in time. It is only through prayer, gritting my teeth, and pushing on that I am able to endure.

I hope you all have a beautiful Sunday

God bless you all!

Silver Rose
Sannyasini Kaliprana

Silver Cottage Hermitage

P.S. All of the blog posts I write are independently researched and written by me and all of them are protected by legal copyright and may not be copied for any purpose by any person for any reason, so please just enjoy them here and leave them here where you found them.

(c) Copyright 2022, Silver S. Parnell

All rights reserved.

No copying for any purpose by anyone is allowed.

THE SEVEN YEAR CYCLE - UPDATE

 

"Appearances"

by

Silver S. Parnell

Copyright (c) 1996, all rights reserved.

My entire life has been devoted in a search for the Divine. No matter what my employment happened to be at the moment, my vocation has always been that of the spiritual seeker. 

When I was 11, I was corresponding with the Carmelite nuns in Carmel, California (much to the ire of my Catholic-hating mother!) In my late teens, I spent time with L. Ron Hubbard on his "Sea Organization Flagship." I studied Nicheren Shoshu Buddhism for a short while in my late teens, but found the chanting was not as mentally stimulating and spiritually inspiring as I would have hoped.

I had no religious input in my childhood, but as soon as I left home at barely 17, I entered onto the mystical and contemplative path, and I have loved every minute of it and I have learned a LOT about many different religions and philosophies, concentrating, for the most part, on Vedanta style contemplation which can be suited to any religion, really. The object of one's contemplation is what is key. Catholics will focus on Christ or God the Father or the Holy Spirit or Mary. Vedantists may fixate on Ramakrishna or another saint. The possibilities are  endless because contemplation and meditation are techniques.

I keep hearing from people that they believe that meditation is the process of "emptying your mind," but my meditation lessons with the Buddhists and the Hindus do not resemble that at all.

I have been blessed and extremely grateful to keep company with remarkable people like Zen Master, Roshi Prabhasa Dharma, beloved friend of blessed memory - and Swami Swahananda, probably the most influential person in my life, with whom I practiced and studied the mystical life of the Vedantic Hindus. When he allowed me to take the final sannyasa vows and gave me the monastic name of "Kaliprana", it was the happiest day of my life. Later, I became enamored of the Catholic mystics and began to trod that path. It has been a wonderful, rich, journey - full of joy and hope.

Swami Swahananda

My Hindu (Vedanta) teacher

About seven years ago, another Vedantist encouraged me to write a blog, as a way of gaining support. I have not received much "support" but writing this blog has helped give me an incentive to study my favorite saints and get back in the habit of writing on a daily basis. In the process, this HAS helped me develop research and writing techniques, as well as fed my soul with the examples of female mystics through the ages. Eventually, I began to feel fairly competent and realized that my lifelong writer's block with which I had struggled terribly, had been eased by the process of writing almost 400 blog posts.

At some point, I intend to take all the information I have gathered during my research for these blog posts and write a book about the rather more "unknown saints," accompanied by my own paintings of them. In the meantime, I was afraid that the posts themselves, which are a running diary of my days seen through the lens of saints who have feasts on those days, might be somewhat stale. I reverted them to draft state until I had a chance to review them and have decided to leave them "as is." They reflect what they are - a diary of thoughts, prayers, musings and research conducted over the years. The character of this blog will change and it will certainly be added to less frequently, but what has gone before will remain.

I am entering into a new phase. I have lost most of the vision in my left eye, due to macular degeneration, and the right eye is likewise threatened. I am faced with having to get shots in my one good eye in an attempt to retard the progress of the disease. The doctors tell me that I have to get a lot better nutrition than I have mostly gotten during all these poverty years and take some vitamins and supplements that I have not been able to afford. (More about that later.)

When I first became disabled, I had a vision of what my monastic life would look like, but, gradually, over the decades since I took monastic vows, It has been pretty much impossible to maintain a proper monastic schedule because most of my time is spent in the laborious process of dragging myself through my painful days and caring for the body which has begun to fail. The mind, however, is still fresh, and I have reverted to living my monastic vocation in imitation of Brother Lawrence, who said that he was as much with the Lord, among his pots and pans, as he would have been if he'd been talented enough to chant in a choir stall. My mind rests with the Lord, and "walking meditation" has become my constant habit.

I practice the presence of God. Lately, I have begun the habit of chanting the Angelus in Latin. The ideal is to do this three times a day, but I admit to being only able to do it twice, due to wretched insomnia that keeps me up all night. I also pray the Jesus Prayer of the Orthodox Church, as well as the Rosary of Mother Mary and Chaplets for various saints. Also, the Chaplet of Our Lady of Sorrows.

Blessed Mother Mary and Baby Jesus

by

Silver S. Parnell

Copyright (c) 2020, All rights reserved

Becoming a hermit was an afterthought. I never aspired to it. But circumstances forced me into that role and I have done the best I could with it over the last two decades. I hope that all the prayers and the pains that I have offered up on behalf of the world have found favor with The Lord.

Mystic Saint

by

Silver S. Parnell

Copyright (c)1996

All rights reserved

I have not even been able to have a caregiver in the house to help me because the agencies have no caregivers to send, except for the occasional ne'er do well who has had to produce a paycheck to show the court that she is working and thereby will get one step closer to getting her children back from the state. 

These people that occasionally appeared stole from me, harassed me and tried to push me around. Even the daughter of friends of mine managed to "disappear" some of my belongings, including a glass candle shade that belongs on my shrine, though I have no clue how she did that! Perhaps there is something about vulnerability that is too much of a temptation for people, or maybe she broke it and secretly threw it away and was ashamed to admit it.

I have also discovered that for some people, thievery is a way of life. Even when it risks much more than they gain by it, they steal.  It is an ingrained habit, apparently. So, it is perhaps better not to have anyone come into the house to help me. I will struggle along by myself, as I have done for more than 20 years.

A good friend of mine came by several times to get my dishes cleaned up. Since then, as a method of reducing the number of dirty dishes, I have resorted to eating frozen prepared meals because my back and knees cannot stand for cooking and cleaning.

At the same time, my Social Security income is really not enough to address my needs, and I have to try to improve my financial situation before I lose the rest of my vision. I am writing a novel, which I hope to be adapted to a film after publication. (I grew up in the film industry and wrote for television in my early 20's, so I am prepared for the pitfalls.) I also have plans for a series of paintings of New Mexico, my adopted state, and there is the possibility of a small limited line of art jewelry on the side, sold in a local store or online. I will have to see about that. 

These creative projects don't require that I adapt myself to any schedule and can be done when I am feeling well enough to sit and do them. These days, a week might go by when I am not able to do anything but get myself fed and bathed. The pain cycle has its ups and downs, often in response to the weather.

Lunch at the Vedanta Convent

during one of Swami's visits.

About 1989

A monastic schedule, on the other hand, is a more rigorous daily set of hours dedicated to specific spiritual disciplines. I can no longer pretend that my inability to keep to a schedule is TEMPORARY or that my health is likely to improve. Instead, my illnesses and syndromes are steadily worsening, and whatever efforts I make to improve the situation seem only to lessen the degree to which my health is going downhill.

I don't intend to change my lifestyle. I won't be going for boyfriends or husbands. You won't find me hanging out in bars or sitting through concerts. I will remain at home but I will give up the struggle to meet the requirements of a typical monastic schedule because I just can't do it any more.

The Lord will accompany me, as He always has, and it will be alright. I can still keep my mind occupied with Him in whatever activity I find myself. 

THE PLAN, GOING FORWARD

Originally, I had decided not to write this blog any more, but I have since realized that what I need to do is to cut down on the more ambitious elements of it. For instance, the research of the lives of the saints, for which I wrote quite a few biographies. That isn't necessary for an online diary that is, by definition, an account of things that have happened in the author's life - not in the life of someone who lived 500 years ago, or some such.

I have kept diaries constantly throughout my life, I enjoy doing it, and there is no reason I shouldn't keep it up - at least in a more modest form. It helps me come to grips with the daily challenges and is helpful to keep my writing abilities honed a bit. So - I will write when I feel inspired, and I am going to try to keep it more brief. Let's see how successful I am!

MY HEALTH COULD USE SOME HELP!

In addition to the wide-ranging arthritic conditions, the macular degeneration that is robbing me of my vision has been proven to respond to special diet and supplements, most of which I can not afford, and I have a wish list on Amazon for food, visual aids, and some necessary household items. Amazon has my address and will mail to be direct. Follow the link below, and it will be self-explanatory:

AMAZON WISH LIST

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO GET IN TOUCH WITH ME:

Please feel free to leave a comment on this blog and I will be notified. You are also welcome to contact me on my Facebook page.

Here is the link to my Facebook profile:

FACEBOOK - CONTACT ME HERE

God bless you all.

Silver S. Parnell

Copyright (c) 2021
All rights reserved.