HOW I ENDED UP AS AN URBAN HERMIT

1ST PLACE

SENIOR DIVISION

ALBUQUERQUE APARTMENT ASSOCIATION

CITY-WIDE POSTER CONTEST

2024

MONETARY AWARD - $250.00 

I did not plan to spend my life as a religious hermit in an urban environment. I had no plan at all when I left my abusive home at 17, with nothing but the clothes on my back and hippie sandals on my feet.

Despite my family being hostile to all religion, especially Catholicism, I had always been interested in God, and even though homeless, I was determined to somehow continue to pursue Him as best I could.

I crawled out of homelessness by taking advantage of my typing skills (a skill I had learned in High School.)  I was a beautiful young woman, and the only kind of help that anyone wanted to give me was not the type of help I wanted to take. Things were looking grim when the Scientologists scooped me up and gave me a place to stay, "employing" me as a communications secretary, which was mostly typing letters to people we hoped would join us. I worked 11 hours a day, 7 days a week. They gave me room and board and $10 a week as an "allowance."

In the religious sphere, I went from Scientology to Buddhism to Hinduism (Vedanta.) I was searching for the mystical heart of religion.

Photo by Jake Blucker

via "UNSPLASH"

In my working life, I had to support myself as best I could, usually as a legal secretary. I type 120 words a minute, and I usually understood the legalese and legal rationales. In my mid to late 20's, I spent a short time working at a TV studio during the day and writing stories for an episodic television show at night.  But when I was exposed to some horrifically tawdry and immoral aspects of "Hollywood", I became demoralized and just could not remain there. (The worst part of it was that it was my own father who was bragging loudly about having relations with starlets in his office, with the door unlocked, despite having his third wife living with him. I was horrified and felt defiled by having to hear this filth coming from a parent. It destabilized me.)

What followed was a series of very distressing and life-altering events that nearly killed me. My search for God, and peace and blessedness was kicked into overdrive. Fast on the heels of this pivotal moment in my life story, I searched through the Yellow Pages and found an organization that sounded very much as if they would teach meditation: the Vedanta Society.

Some time after that, my stint with the Vedantists ended up with me living in the Hindu-based convent that had been designed in imitation of the Carmelite convents of the Catholics. Unfortunately, the women were terribly mean. The swami trusted me, but they were jealous of that, on the one hand, (later admitting that they were afraid I would "run the convent from the bottom" on the other.)  I did everything I could to show my love to them, and they were not having any of it. Between the stress of their constant perturbation, and all of the physical work, my body took a real "hit" and I was in a wheelchair for some weeks. 

Divine Mother

by

Sonika Agarwal

via Unsplash

While living as a nun, I started reading the beautiful works of and stories about the Catholic and Orthodox saints and "doctors" of the church, and I just fell in love with the whole thing. I came to realize that every spot of emptiness and incompleteness that was lacking in the Vedanta faith, was answered and filled with the Catholic. I intended to leave the Hindu convent and try to enter a Catholic one. In any case I knew that I could not, indeed did not believe in the Hindu deities. The formless God of the Vedanta did not answer the yearnings of my heart.

Photo by Nick Castelli

on Unsplash

As told in more detail elsewhere, I did try to become a Catholic nun, but I could not even get them to BAPTIZE me because of ignorant prejudice. The nun in charge of the class had this weird idea that because I had been divorced after my stint with the Scientologists, I would have to endure several years of a Catholic annulment before baptism. She was completely wrong and completely adamant (as wrong people usually are!) 

At that time, however, I did not know how to process it. I didn't know any Catholics or other Christians and had no clue who to approach to fix this ridiculous impasse. I had left the convent to become a Catholic nun, and was distraught. I decided to get baptized by the Episcopalians and put aside my strong feelings for a monastic life. I wondered if God was telling me that He did not WANT me in that life, that He wanted something else. Was I supposed to be married? I wanted to do what He wanted for me.

Meanwhile, I hadn't a cent to my name, no one to help me get my secular life re-established, and a lot of work ahead of me, so I got on with the task of finding employment, working and saving. I was 40 by this time, and it was too late to think about college or career. I worked as a litigation secretary and office manager and did the best I could, taking the bus from Hollywood to Beverly Hills and back again, every day, until I saved enough money to buy a car.

BUS INTERIOR 

BY ASH GERLACHE 

ON UNSPLASH

One of the Vedanta devotees had offered to share her apartment with me, and it wasn't until after I moved out, a year later, that I learned she had charged me for the entire cost of the rent, while she tormented me with her bossiness. At one point, she moved her bed into the living room so she could use the master bedroom as her private "meditation" room, even though we lived half a block from the Temple. I was stuck, meanwhile, in a tiny, closet-sized room with no air conditioning and a super tiny window at the top of the wall, restricted from entering or leaving the apartment every time that woman took a nap. It was frustrating experience that saddened me. I had thought we were friends. ( I did not know, at that time, that I suffer from Asperger's Syndrome, which is an antique term for a high-functioning version of autism. Other folks can often sense our vulnerability and gullible, loving natures. They know we can be conned into all sorts of things just by befriending us.)

Every time I think about this particular disappointment with a person who pretended to be "helping" me with one hand while she picked my pocket with the other, I just had to remind myself that this type of selfishness is common in the world. Even though this woman did not have to work to pay her rent, for some reason, she had taken advantage of me when I was in a very vulnerable position. She had worked a little in the past, apparently, and she had wealthy parents who supported her in some fashion. She did not need to take advantage of a destitute woman with no such support.

Reading about the love of Christ while enduring the selfish cruelty of the Vedantists was a real learning experience.

I was seeking God, peace and blessedness, while my contemporaries were pursuing professional careers, money and real estate. The practical difficulties that I have at age 70 would have been much easier to accommodate if I'd taken another route and gone after money instead.

Some years after leaving the Vedantists, my physical problems that had first become visible while I was in the convent, worsened and multiplied, and within the next 10 years, I was fully disabled and had to stop working outside the home when I was 49.

Photo by Zachary Kyra-Derksen

on Unsplash

So, shortly after moving to the high desert of New Mexico from California, I found myself too disabled to work before I was even 50. I had not had time to even properly accustom myself to the town before I became home-bound. The monastic inclinations I had put aside a decade earlier began knocking on the door of my consciousness in full force. I decided to make lemonade out of lemons by dedicating the remainder of my life to God, as an independent hermit. Within three years, I was able to enter the Catholic Church, after decades of wanting to do it.

So - this is how I find myself rather poor, unmarried, without family to support me, and without any religious assistance either!  My pursuit of the Divine has left me financially bankrupt but spiritually rich, and I wouldn't exchange my wisdom and experience for all the money in the world, despite the great difficulties I endure on a daily basis. Nobody ever said that sickness and poverty were going to be easy.

Many women who enter religious life have financial support of family or institution. Some families are happy to support them in it, and I have known quite a few who, while professing the life of poverty, are actually quite wealthy. I don't begrudge it of them because they need that support, as the men are in charge of all the purse strings in this world. I'm glad these women have the support. I am just not one of them. I need to be clear about that.

I was supposed to have been one of those ladies supported by family money, except that, after my father got Alzheimer's, I was written out of my father's will by a woman he had cheated on during their entire relationship. Then he died under suspicious circumstances, and other people are now spending my inheritance.  It is a "morality play," but in real life. The moral is: Don't cheat on the woman in your life because, if you get dementia or another illness that makes you vulnerable, you do not know how your inamorata may retaliate.

My entire life, he had consistently told me, "when I die, kid, yer gonna be rich!"  The doctor that signed his death certificate never saw him, in life or in death, according to my sister. His body was quickly cremated, before I even knew he had passed on, and what could I do about it? No one saw the body before the evidence was cremated.

I had planned to get myself through my difficult, pain-wracked disability and ultimate death with the inheritance that my father had promised me for decades and, at first, the scam perpetrated on me and my poor father was a terrible blow.  But I keep telling myself that the humiliation of being forced to beg for survival is good for the soul. 

In February of 2023, I celebrated 20 years of living as an independent monastic solitary. I didn't know at that time what form my vocation would take after that. It is very difficult to continue without support, particularly since I am physically suffering. 20 years of unremitting physical pain, due to inherited arthritic conditions, a light version of ehlers danlos,  and other physical damage, have taken their toll, but probably no more so than if my asceticism had been artificially practiced with a hair shirt and continual voluntary fasts.

PRESENT DAY SITUATION

I am writing a novel and producing some paintings. I have sold both types of art in the past, as well as jewelry items I produced. So I hope to have a better financial condition in future, if possible. In the meantime, if you would like to help support a poor hermit's spiritual and creative contributions to the world, the "DONATE" button above, on the right, under my photo, still works. BUT IF YOU YOURSELF ARE LIMITED IN FUNDS: PLEASE DON'T STRAIN YOUR BUDGET.

Otherwise, I am very grateful for any help you can give. I have an Amazon wish list for these things, AS WELL AS art supplies necessary to make paintings, rosaries and jewelry for sale. I will research how to sell them online, but I am beginning talks with the manager of the parish gift store for the production of personalized bookmarkers, bracelets and painting .

My parish church is located in the oldest part of town and was built in the 17th century! We have a bookstore that is open throughout the week and which is very popular with local Catholics, and many visitors to our town. The manager purchases most of her wares from local artists.

Amethyst & Pewter Celtic Rosary

St. Margaret of Scotland Centerpiece

Thistle charm

Paternoster beads: silver tree-of-life

(Made for my use/practice piece)

Amazon has my address and will mail to me directly, once the items have been paid for. Just click on the following link:

AMAZON WISH LIST

As mentioned elsewhere, my landlord (the City of Albuquerque) which is SUPPOSEDLY renting apartments under a "low income program", has suddenly and drastically bumped up the prices of the rent in this complex where I have lived for 20 years, and I am sadly distracted by the need to find the money so I can continue to afford to live here.  I was ALREADY having a difficult time when they gave me this distressing news.

In addition to the financial strain, my landlord has demonstrated ignorance of the Fair Housing laws and a real antipathy toward the idea of accommodating disabilities. I have had to file a HUD complaint and get an attorney to help me to keep the landlord from stranding me in my apartment during upcoming construction which is slated to last a month. Their plan would require me to perform some physical tasks I can't do in order to leave the house. I am finding that most people are insensitive to the issues that disabled folks have to face every day.

A couple months ago, I won a city-wide art contest that relieved me of the anxiety around my ABILITY to produce art, due to my blindness in one eye. I have been reassured that, despite the lack of depth perception, I CAN still produce art, particularly with the help of the magnifying lamps.

In addition to selling my paintings and sketches in the past, I have also made rosaries, and jewelry items. I hope to pick that up again and sell them locally, mostly at the parish book store, mentioned above. THOSE supplies are also on the wish list.

Practice jewelry for local store

As for my primary activities, I have a routine of prayer, meditation, contemplation, and reading. At some point, I may open up this routine to the participation of other solitaries. I know there are many elderly ladies who live alone and are assiduously practicing a prayer-centered life. One day soon, I will open up my YouTube channel for them so we may pray together.

God bless us all.

Silver Rose

July 3, 2024
(C) Copyright 2024

All rights reserved

Saint Ælfflæd of Whitby - February 8th - My 20-year Anniversary as a Hermit

 

The ruins of Whitby Abbey

Seen above the town, in modern times

My 20-year anniversary

Twenty years ago, on about February 3rd, I finally became so disabled by my various injuries and illnesses that I could no longer hold down a job, and I had to retire early on my Social Security retirement insurance into which I had paid for more than 30 years. At that time, I decided that I would dedicate the remainder of my life to God alone, and three years later I entered the Catholic Church, by which time I had decided to offer my pains and sufferings for the benefit of The Church, with the intention of supporting the reunion and re-integration of the Catholic Church with the Orthodox that had split from it in 1054.

Practicing the Presence of God

In the following 17 years, while wrestling with these illnesses and defects, I read as much as I could about the examples of the saints and, to the best of my ability, I keep my mind "at the feet of The Lord," practicing the presence of God in all of my mundane doings. In every moment, I make an effort to keep my mind attuned to The Lord. He keeps me company in all of my hours, and I maintain awareness of his presence in an intimate communion with Him. Whatever I am doing, I am conscious that He is accompanying me in all of it in a quiet embrace. He is both within me and around me. When keeping touch with Him in this manner becomes difficult, I speak to Him interiorly and/or out loud and ask for his help in short sentences, such as "Lord save me!" or "Lord help me!"  It doesn't take much to get my mind back on track.

The Offering of Pain

Because of the chronic pain throughout all the bones in my body, my acetic practices do not have to be artificially created. Old-time contemplatives had the habit of denying themselves food or causing themselves some other type of pain, such as with the infamous hair shirts of the middle-ages, but I have plenty of pain to spare that my body introduces on its own, without bidding from me. While the physical pains prohibit the use of customary forms of acetic practices, they are, actually, a replacement for them. Over the years, I have gradually come to realize that my disabilities are my blessings. They both bring me closer to the Lord and act as a type of spiritual currency to offer up in reparation of the sins of the world and especially the sins of those who create division, such as the division between the Roman Catholic and the Orthodox churches.

What is Most Important

I do not pretend to have anything resembling a proper monastic schedule, due to the inability to gain cooperation of my body. Indeed, for this reason, someone like me would be a burden to any institution, which is the main reason I remain at home. But if I have learned anything in the last 20 years, it is this: What is most important is the condition of the mind and the topics on which I allow it to dwell.

Although I also suffer from a persistent type of insomnia that refuses to be tamed, this condition forces me to accept the mantle of humility. After 20 years, I simply cannot bring my schedule into line with what I consider a proper monastic schedule.  I have substituted the practice of the presence of God in every moment, even though I often wish I was not forced to do it this way, however I try to be grateful instead of focusing on the downside. It is a challenge, and I often struggle to keep the mind "on the high road," but this battle also has its benefits.

Spiritual ambition

I have noticed some chatter on social media with regard to those of us who live as monastics at home, and it has become clear to me that there is a lot of confusion around what would be considered the basics of this life that are not negotiable. Celibacy is probably the one crucial observance that everyone living as I do must absolutely follow. I have learned that every major religion which has a monastic tradition requires the same thing. Our deepest affections and attentions belong to The Lord alone.

There are some characters who advertise themselves as "anchoresses" or hermits of some sort who are married and live with husbands and children and enjoy the typical comings and goings of relatives. They are devout and fervent householders, which is a noble path, but it is not monasticism.  Due to rabid clericalism, some women discount themselves and the holy vocation of wife and mother for some idea of a quasi-monastic vocation that they mistakenly believe is somehow superior to their own.  It is not. What comes out of this confused idea is a jumbled chaotic spiritual life that manifests in an inauthentic presentation to the world. They have an emotional need for validation and their attention is not on Christ.

It is a wonderful ambition to desire to become a saint, but it is a different sort of thing to have an ambition to be REGARDED as a saint by other people. I see a lot of this on social media when I have made the mistake of joining supposedly "Catholic" groups started by women who have not had enough validation in their lives and who immediately begin to slather new members with sickeningly sweet appellations, such as "my dear child," followed up by unasked-for spiritual direction and other nonsense. The craven need to be followed and admired is sadly obvious.

The vocation of an independent hermit IS a peculiar one to begin with and, for all I know, we have to be at least a little bit "odd" to embark on it, but most of us have had an attraction for monastic life since we were children. I, for one, discovered the Carmelites when I was 11 and carried out an intense correspondence with them, much to the ire of my mother who was not at all religious and who absolutely hated Catholics! She soon put an end to my correspondence with them, but the desire for the contemplative monastic life never left me. I experimented with it in various forms, from "New Age" religions to Buddhism to Hinduism, and eventually the Catholic Faith, where I happily remain.

When you live as an urban hermit:

Living in the world but not OF the world is in many ways much more difficult than being part of a monastic institution. In a convent or monastery, one is propelled forward by the rules and watchful eyes of your sisters and superiors. Everything in your environment is geared toward the spiritual goal, and it is placed in front of your eyes and in your ears every moment of every day. Unless you go out shopping or to the doctor, it is a rarified atmosphere.

But as an independent hermit in one's own home, it is all up to you. Other than what is forced on you by society or your landlord or your physical disabilities, every decision is ultimately yours to make. Your schedule, food, rising and sleeping, prayers and observances - It is all on you. You can't just surrender to the institution. You ARE the institution.

While the Catholic Church is FULL of monastic institutions of various orders, Catholic history is rife with independent monastics who either remained at home to practice their spiritual disciplines or they went out into the wilderness to find solitude.

Our history includes hermits that eventually attracted a following around them and drew other hermits into their orbit, which was the beginning of a cenobitic lifestyle, but this is less common today due to the complex organization required, as well as financial practicalities that make it very difficult to arrange.

I try to research a saint on each day, and am helped a great deal by the Catholic.org website that publishes the names and some of the life stories of all the saints who share the calendar day as their feast day, and it is rare not to find at least ONE saint who lived as a hermit. Often, there are several.

As an independent monastic, however, we have to be careful not to put ourselves forward as some sort of official personality. While I am Catholic and I am a hermit, I try to avoid claiming to be a "Catholic hermit" for the specific reason that I want to avoid the pretense that I am somehow affiliated with the official institution of The Catholic Church.  There is a provision in the catechism for something called a "Diocesan Hermit," and I do not know what sort of bona fides one needs to have for this particular title because every time I have called the bishop's office about it, I get crickets in response. After half a dozen phone calls and brief discussions with functionaries whose job it was to coordinate this activity, I gave up. 

My impression is that, unless they already know you, you are out of luck - probably due to the inordinate number of "kooks" (as one priest described them to me.) Several "cradle Catholics" have suggested to me that if I was wealthy, the Bishop would be calling ME. I don't have trouble believing that, but in any case it is irrelevant. Considering the ever-worsening condition of my health, I probably have little to offer them anyway.  I had been attracted to the idea of possibly having the Eucharist preserved on my prayer shrine and this is the one benefit of taking Diocesan Hermit vows that keeps luring me toward it. I do not have the opportunity to regard our Lord in the host under any other circumstance, as I am rarely able to attend church, due to disabilities and lack of transportation.

Saint Ælfflæd Of Whitby, my cousin

The saint I have chosen for today is a cousin of mine: Saint Ælfflæd Of Whitby. We are each descended from a long line of saints, mostly along the female lines.  The ancestor that she and I share most closely is Clotair I, a Merovingian King of the 5th Century, whose mother was Saint Clothilde, Queen of the Franks (the French, essentially.) 

Saint Clothilde

Queen of the Franks

My 42nd Great Grandmother

4th Great Grandmother of St. Ælfflæd 

Clotair and his wife Waldrada were my 41st great grandparents. Their family line is jam packed with saints, mostly female, but some male as well.

Saint Hilda of Whitby

Not only was my cousin well connected, spiritually, but she was also a member of royalty and her line is lousy with kings and queens. This is where it becomes obvious that our destiny is often hinted at within our family circumstances because, while I was enabled to become a hermit by virtue of disability that prevented me from working, Ælfflæd  was destined by another type of circumstance.  When she was barely a year old, she was given to Saint Hilda to raise in a convent at Hartlepool. When Hilda left Hartlepool to establish the Abbey of Whitby, on land given The Church for that purpose by Ælfflæd's father, King Oswiu, she took Ælfflæd with her. Ælfflæd was still a toddler at this time.

Picture of King Oswiu

King Oswiu is credited with convening the Synod of Whitby, out of which came the decision to adopt Roman Catholic ways rather than Celtic. I have found reference to him as a saint as well, but I have to verify that.

From her infancy, you can see that my cousin was trained in the way of the monastic saints. She was also highly influential in government.  Stephen of Ripon described her thus:

"...always the comforter and the best counselor 
of the whole kingdom."

~ Stephen of Ripon
Author of The Life of St. Wilfred

In fact, there is so much really fascinating information about the life and influence of today's saint, that it inspires me to read further and, rather than wait to publish this blog post and use information that would, essentially, reinvent the wheel, so to speak, I will just post a few really good links at the bottom of this post and let you choose whether or not you also have interest in Aelfflaed.  

Advice to parents:

Many times, I have heard parents say that they will let their children decide what religion to follow when they're grown up. I just wanted to point out that whether one becomes a monastic or a lay person is often determined by circumstances of family and education, and there is a bit of a whiff of destiny in the whole thing.  I do not believe in strict "destiny" per se, but experiences, environment and education do substantially mold or prepare a person for adult life. This is why I have come to believe that raising your children in the faith is important. 

I'm not saying that one should give one's child to the church to be raised as a nun from babyhood, such as what Aelfladd had done to her, but I am just pointing out that it is better to get an early start on religious education. Everything in Aelfflad's family and life circumstances were channeling her to the path of sainthood and she accomplished great things. (Read about it through the links, below.)

I did happen to eventually come to The Faith on my own, despite efforts on the part of others to keep me out, but it took a lot of time to get to that place. In the end, the options that remained were few. You don't want your child to experience unnecessary limitations. Fortunately, convents do accept applicants at older ages than they used to.  Formerly, you had to be no older than 25!  It isn't that way any more, thanks be to God. At least that is one limitation that is less daunting in this age.

Regardless of whatever limitations or difficulties I may have endured, I find myself feeling very grateful that I am not so sick that I cannot pray or that my pain is not worse.  I am grateful to have adequate medical care and a decent place to live with a wonderful view of the Sandia mountains that turn pink at sunset. I am grateful that The Lord does not abandon me in my golden years and that he has left me with at least ONE eye with which to read His Holy Word.

Often, there is not enough money for a proper healthy diet, or to repair the ancient chariot I need to get me around, or to take the service dog to the vet, and I am most grateful for any and all charitable donations given for those things. There is a "donate" button below my picture (above right) and any amount is most appreciated. I will also get an updated Amazon wish list done up very soon. I do get tired of asking for help, as you probably also grow tired of being asked, but I must endure the humiliation as I have no choice in it.

That's all I have for you today. Please pray for me during the month-long celebration of my 20-year anniversary, and I will pray for you, as always. Look for the list of interesting links about Saint Aelfflaed, below.

God bless us all!

Silver Rose

Links to Saint Ælfflæd of Whitby:

"Saints' Bridge" blog (very well researched)

Catholic.org post about her

Wikipedia page about Aelfflaed of Whitby

ONE RINGY DINGY

I have lived as a religious hermit for about 13 years. I became disabled before becoming Catholic, and I have been mostly housebound ever since.

Frequently, a hermit will enter into a relationship with a spiritual director, especially in the beginning and especially if the hermit is unfamiliar with monastic life.  Although I have lived a self-consecrated life devoted exclusively to God since 2002, and since I had several years of experience in monastic life prior to that, I wondered if I should attempt to find a spiritual director and if I should take more formal vows and increase my commitment, so, about a year ago, I started making telephone calls to vocation directors on the vocation committee for this dioceses.

What I did not know is that you practically have to be a rock star to get someone in the archdiocese to return your telephone call! According to someone "in the know," you have to be a known person to someone in the parish, otherwise the Catholic hierarchy ignores you, no matter how many emails you send, phone calls you make or letters you write. At the very least, you have to have a priest, a sister in a significant ministry, or someone IMPORTANT to champion you. Even a hard working layperson in long term ministry does not have enough Catholic currency to warrant a response to a heart-felt email on my behalf. She's not part of the Catholic hierarchy, so she doesn't warrant a response.

A year ago,  I did manage to reach a sister on the vocations committee on her cell phone that was given to me by a sister who has previously held that position. She promised me she would get in touch with our new bishop to see if he was inclined to have diocesan hermits among his flock. She also promised to find me a spiritual director. She then proceeded to duck every phone call and refused to return any of my telephone messages. That was last October, exactly one year ago on the 19th.

After my failure with that sister, I sent many emails and left many telephone messages for a long list of people at the Dioceses, from the Bishop's office on downward. No luck. No response. Two months ago I managed to connect with a lovely woman, who is the assistant to Father _________, who, she tells me, is the person to speak with in regard to my situation. I left 4 messages with her and never received a response from Father ___________. During my last telephone message, I asked her to call me back and tell me if I was doing something wrong or pursuing something inappropriately. No response.

Not returning telephone calls used to be considered very bad manners in days gone by, but I am afraid that it is endemic in our society. I don't know why this has happened, whether it is a sign of the times or a sign of my reduced circumstances in life. In my 20's, when I was writing for a popular television show, I don't recall my messages ever going unanswered. People wanted things from me. Now, I have nothing to offer but prayers, something which has no currency, even in the world of the professional religious.

I have a long list of telephone numbers and email addresses to which I have sent requests for help and none of them have responded over many months' time.

I was raised without religion and was in my late 30's before I learned anything about Jesus. From that time forward, gaining access to the Catholic Church was problematic.  I wanted to get baptized immediately, but a misinformed religious sister told me it would be YEARS before I could be baptized with the Catholic Church because, in the past, I had been divorced. She was terribly wrong. I was not living in any kind of irregular union and there was no reason not to be baptized, but there seems to be a strong elitist faction in the official church that thrives on pushing people away. (Baptism, for those that do not know, washes away all sin, and non-sacramental unions between people who haven't been baptized are NOT the types of unions that cannot be dissolved. The Catholic laws about divorce deal with "sacramental marriage" between baptized persons.)

Indeed, the religious sister that refused me baptism in the church behaved as if she enjoyed the power to say "no." I have to say that, in later years, I did learn that many Catholics are terribly ill-educated about the church, so I am not saying that this sister was deliberately lying, just that she seemed to enjoy pushing me away, thinking at the same time she was right to do so.

Eventually, another sister, an 11th cousin of mine, who DID know the Canon laws, helped to get me accepted into the Church, but even with her advocacy, I had a terrible time getting into the church.. Because of my disabilities, I had to have private instruction rather than attend an RCIA class. I couldn't sit through the classes and couldn't drive at night. Although the priest of the Byzantine Church I was attending gave permission for my cousin to walk me through the lacunas in my education, the deacon refused to allow it because he was in the middle of pursuing his career as a priest and said he didn't have time to help at all.

I am blessed to know many highly respectable, extremely kind Catholic lay people who have adopted me as their own and treat me like part of their families. My survival would be severely curtailed, were it not for my Catholic family, and I would have little, if any feeling of community without them.

These experiences just further my resolve to pray for the strengthening of the Catholic Church because, while I am disappointed in the Church's failure to include the marginalized, the poor, the disabled and the abandoned in the workings of the institution, I am absolutely convinced of THE FAITH, which is sublime.

There is a great wealth of spiritual currency amongst the marginalized members of the church, the lonely old ladies, the disabled, unmarried people, and many converts whose friends and families have abandoned them because of their faith. The man who came to fix my telephone service the other day told me that I remind him of his auntie who, when she retired, announced that she would be spending the rest of her life for the Lord. She too has a large prayer corner and altar, with statues and pictures all over the place. I'm sure she recites many prayers throughout the day and, like me, probably watches the mass on television, reads the spiritual books and prays for everyone.

The natural inclination among retired people, especially those who find themselves alone and often disabled, is to throw themselves on the mercy of the Lord, and I know that I have many, many readers in that group

I want to ENCOURAGE my readers who are likewise living the eremitic life and to affirm the necessity of persistence against whatever obstacle appears to be standing in your way, either in the living of the life or the rejection of you by those in power in your parish or your diocese. Just remember what Jesus said, "Forgive them, Lord, for they know not what they do."

You DO have spiritual power and importance. Your prayers that you conduct privately in your homes, in the dead of night when you cannot sleep, in your heart when you are washing the pots and pans, these prayers, devotions and pains offered up to the Lord are beloved by the Lord, and your efforts are not in vain. None of us needs the permission of anyone to lead a life completely devoted to prayer. While true that many of us could benefit from spiritual direction from a reputable and soulful spiritual director, we have to have the faith that the Lord will take care of us, knowing our needs of every variety.

As long as we live a good Christian life and remain faithful to Catholic theology, we can't go wrong. I would insert a word of caution here, and that is that it is important that we do not entertain any spirit of anger or rebellion and that we are very careful to continue to educate ourselves in the doctors of the church, the Catechism, and the Bible.  Contributing to ersatz apparitions and seers that are not approved by the Catholic Church should NOT be done. Without the leadership of a spiritual director, we must play it safe, rather than be sorry later. We can never put ourselves forward as knowing a better way than the way the Church has outlined in faith and morals.

Just because fallible human beings populate the structure of the Holy Catholic Church and mistakes are made, I, for one, am convinced that it is essential to remain faithful to its requirements. While I am upset that no one in the church will return a telephone call from an unimportant Catholic with no 'pull', my obedience to and love of the church remains as strong as ever. I think the best approach is to continue on my own, trusting in the Lord to guide me. After all, if He thought I needed the cooperation of the Church in my prayer mission, He would have paved the way for it.

Let us stand together in solidarity with one another and pray for one another in our solitary lives. I would like to suggest that we offer prayers for one another at regular times throughout the day, to our best ability.

Generally speaking, I say prayers at noon, three o'clock and six o'clock. I also say "morning prayers" at whatever time I manage to arise, and evening prayers. Morning prayers would customarily be 6 a.m., but I am having some sleep problems just now and cannot manage to get up in the morning as my medications don't permit it. I have many rosaries and chaplets that I recite also, with some corresponding prayers.

If you are interested in praying "with" me at the same time, please contact me and we can work something out. I feel that this extra layer of prayer will bring a measure of strength into our spiritual practice.

Together, we can create our own support for our spiritual lives, absent the care and concern of the institutional church.

In the meantime, please pray for me as I pray for you.

God bless us all!

Silver Rose

(Sannyasini Kaliprana)

Silver Cottage Ashram Hermitage

Albuquerque, New Mexico